Okay, so I had to start a new blog, because for some reason, my old one wasn't letting me post anything new. I would assume it's because I had to change the email address associated with it last year, and I haven't even attempted to look at it in almost two years. So, anyway, I guess I'm starting over with this one.
As I mentioned, it's been about two years since I've written a legitimate post (not counting the 365 days to 30 countdown). It would appear that the last time I wrote, I had decided to take some time off of grad school and focus more on myself. To update: that didn't happen. I cut back from two classes a semester to one. I finished in December. It was a hell of a ride, but by far the most rewarding one.
In that post, I also talked about my divorce and the few friends I had left in the wake of it. That stuff is still true. I still have that one good friend who puts me in my place when I need to be, and supports me when I need it. Since then, I've met a lot of other great people. I finally left my miserable, un-fulfilling job at Rovi, and took two part-time jobs at QVC and Barnes and Noble. Barnes and Noble has been on my radar for pretty much forever. I'm pretty sure I've been filling out applications there since I was old enough to work, so it was a dream come true to finally land it. Great people there. Like-minded people there. Nerdy people, and nice people, and smart people. I love it. QVC is a bit more difficult. I like the job, but the work isn't quite what I wanted. I like to write (obviously), but writing jobs are hard. Especially when you're writing copy for the same things all day. Thankfully, it's part-time, because I'm not sure I could do it 40 hours a week. In any case, I'm obviously looking for something full-time in the meantime, so we'll see where I end up. That's not what I wanted to write about today, though.
For anyone who's been my Facebook friend for a significant amount of time, you know that I don't even pretend not to stalk my ex-husband on Instagram. I make no apologies or excuses for it. I'm curious. I want to know how he's doing. I want to know if he's happy. That being said, sometimes what I find really sucks. Because, in short, he is happy. Like, really happy. Happier than I ever could have made him. Which was what I wanted. It was the entire reason we split up, because we weren't happy with each other. So, yeah, I should be happy that things worked out well for both of us. And I am. But, God damnit, does it hurt. And that makes me feel even worse that it's even on my radar. I've been with Ben now for more than three years. We're living together and obnoxiously happy. We get along amazing well, we rarely fight (and if we do, it's over relatively quickly, with few exceptions), and we get along with each other's families. I couldn't say any of that before. None of that was true. My ex and I had nothing in common. And I mean, nothing. At all. There was never a single moment when we were both enjoying ourselves. It was always one sacrificing themselves for the other. It gets old. That being said, I can tell that him and this new girl have a lot in common. When I first discovered the Instagram page, he wasn't dating anyone (at least, not that he was posting about). One of his friends made a rude comment about me, which I laughed off at the time, because who is she? She's a "friend" who was around in high school and the early part of college and then not again, and then decided she felt "deceived" when we split up. You don't get that privilege. But, she's divorced herself now, so ha! (Yes, I'm still bitter and petty, so what?). The second I saw him post about a new girl, my stalking skills kicked in. Now, for anyone who doesn't know, unless you're using your actual name as your Instagram handle, there's not really much of a way to find out what your name really is. Well, I know her name. I found her on Facebook using that Instragram handle. I don't remember how, so don't ask me. I'm simply good at what I do. :) In any case, at first I didn't think there was anything to it. I just assumed it was a new friend he met, because her Facebook profile picture was still a picture of her and an ex-boyfriend (who, coincidentally has the same name as my ex). But, he started posting more, and it became obvious. Now, when we were together, he wasn't into sports. He was OBSESSED with video games, and he loved working on his car. Sports weren't really a thing. He would watch them if it's what everyone else was doing, but it wasn't anything he paid attention to other wise. Evidently, he's become very into the Flyers. He's also become quite the cigar enthusiast. The more he posted with this girl, the more...sad?...I became. I hesitate to say jealous, because I don't know that that's what it is. I'm not jealous of her. I'm happy for them both. But, what did begin happening was that I started becoming angry again. When we were together, getting him to go anywhere with me was like pulling teeth. And planning a vacation together? Forget it. He would never take the time off work. So, as he started posting pictures of them taking vacations, and taking trips into the city, I started getting pissed off. After everything I had done for him, why couldn't he ever do those things for me? After everything I gave him, and all the sacrifices I made, why couldn't I have ever gotten that same treatment? Of course, the answer is simply that we weren't right for each other. We could have stayed married for the next 10, 20, 50 years, and nothing would have changed. He would never have been willing to take that time off to spend with me, because it wasn't fun for him. And it wasn't fun for him, because we weren't right for each other. So, cut to yesterday.
I had been obsessively checking his Instagram page for months. The last thing he posted was a picture of him and the new girl when they went to see the new Star Wars movie. There were no pictures from Christmas, none from New Years, none from his nephew's birthday, which I know is in November, and none of his new nephew, who was born in January. I was beginning to think he'd caught on and decided to make his profile private finally. But, yesterday, he posted something new. He posted a collage of pictures from Valentine's day. The caption was something along the lines of: "I won the jackpot with this one. She amazes me every day." My heart sunk. It ruined my day. Why? Because he was not only completely in love with her, but he was making it public. WHAT?! In ten years, he'd never said any of that to me. Ever. I did it all for him. Right down to his finances. I kept track of family gatherings, so he wouldn't forget. I kept the house clean, and made sure the bills were paid. I cooked dinner and kept the groceries stocked. All while working full-time, with zero help from him. I did it because I loved him, and I believed in us, and I wanted it to work. He never thanked me. He was never "amazed" by me. The first couple years we were together, I'd write him entire pages about how much I loved him in every holiday/birthday card. He never bothered to read them. This girl buys him some lottery tickets and ice cream and he's shouting it from the rooftops. Ouch.
I know, I know, I'm petty and stupid and immature. It's been more than three years. But, it still hurts. And now that I've had a day to sleep it off and "get over it," I'm not as sad as I was yesterday. I'm pretty figgin' shocked to be honest. I can't believe he found someone that makes him so happy that he's willing to announce it so publicly. Holy shit. She must be pretty special. I could tell she was just from his Instagram posts months ago. I told Ben he was going to marry her. And I have no doubt that I'm right. And I feel bad, because Ben could see that I was upset about it. I showed him what bothered me, and he immediately apologized for not being the type of person who "shouted things from the rooftop." But, that's not what it was about. It wasn't about him. At all. It was that re-emergence of that feeling I'd had for ten years. That feeling that I wasn't good enough. That feeling that no matter what I did, he couldn't - wouldn't - love me. Why wasn't I good enough? Why wasn't I the one that made him so deliriously happy, he was announcing it on Instagram? How come he never took pictures of the things I did for him and let everyone know about it? That one stupid picture brought it all back. And yes, intellectually I know that it's because we weren't right for each other. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough. But, emotionally, it still hurts.
All of that being said, I am happy for him. For both of them. He seems to have truly found his best friend. He seems to have finally found the person he was meant to be with. It still makes me sad that I couldn't be that person, because we both suffered a lot to find that out. But, I knew when we split up that we'd both end up where we were supposed to be. I knew there was someone out there for him that could be what I couldn't. I didn't expect it to hurt so much, but I knew she existed. And I have no doubt that both of us are right where we need to be. And I friggin' love a damn happy ending.
