6 weeks, 3 days

Today, I am 6 weeks, 3 days. We had our first ultrasound yesterday to confirm viability. Baby measures at exactly 6 weeks, and there was a visible heartbeat.

At this point, this means I need to start my blood thinner injections. I have been dreading this. I have been nervous about it, because I absolutely hate needles. I have been known to cancel doctor appointments in the past because they wanted to draw blood or give me a shot. In the last two weeks, though, I have already had three blood-draws, and now a blood thinner injection. They let me lay down for it and showed Ben very carefully how to do it. I was more nervous for that than for the blood draw, and for good reason, it seems, because it hurt like hell. The entire time, it hurt. I've seen and heard many tips to go slowly, because it minimizes the pain and bruising, but in reality, it only hurt for a minute or two and then it was over. BUT, it was painful to the touch for the rest of the day. And, since we are in the process of moving, this was a problem. It was hard for me to carry anything. And I also immediately had to take a nap when I got home, because it exhausted me on top of my regular tiredness and pregnancy tiredness.

Initially, there was only a teeny tiny dot from the injection. As the day went on, it began to look like this. The next morning, the bruise was much darker, but the overall site didn't hurt as much.

But, in any case, I, of course, had questions for the doctor before they even administered the shot. And, as always, he was incredibly helpful in answering them.

1. Does the shot have to be in the stomach?
No, but that's where most people find it easiest to do.

2. What if I forget to take it? Can I take it late?
This one, he didn't want to answer for me last time. This time, he just told me, within a few hours of my usual time is fine.

3. Can I use a gel ice pack?
I only asked this because the box told me to ask if it was okay to use. It is.

4. If I'm given the shot now (8am), can I switch to taking it at night, or do I need to continue taking it in the morning?
I can switch. It's too early to make a difference at this point.

5. Are there any restrictions while I'm on it? Foods/lifting/travel?
Take more calcium, try not to injure yourself because you'll bleed more, and road trips are fine, because I'll have to pee every hour anyway.

6. Are there side effects? When should I call?
Biggest side effect is injection site bruising. If the bruise becomes very large, then call.

He was incredibly thorough and went through everything in the folder they gave me at my last appointment (that I didn't bring along, because I wasn't told I needed it). He filled out prescription forms for my next three ultrasounds. During my last pregnancy, I saw, until my very last appointment, the nurse practitioner. This was not my experience with her. She was wonderful, and she was very nice, and answered my questions, but she didn't go over any of the things in that folder. I had the same questions every time I saw her (why does my back hurt already? and why can't I breathe?) and she told me it was all normal, but looking back, I still don't think it was. So, I'm a little annoyed with myself for not seeing the doctor the first time around. To be honest, I was repulsed by the idea of having a male gynecologist. As it is, he only ended up as my doctor because he was the only one who could perform the procedure I needed after we lost the baby. I'm incredibly grateful it was him, because he's wonderful. In fact, after our ultrasound, he came into the exam room, and said, "Can I give you a hug? Congratulations!" He also gave me a hug at my follow-up appointment after my loss. He's incredibly kind, and compassionate, and knowledgeable, and I'm very lucky to have him.

At this point, there's not much different than a regular pregnancy, except for the injections. I will go back in 4 weeks, when we will hopefully get some more testing. Since I'm high risk, we can find out the baby's gender at 10 weeks with genetic testing, instead of waiting until 20 weeks for the anatomy scan, so I'm excited about that. We'll be monitored closely throughout the pregnancy, especially as we get farther along. And I know more now that I did during the last one, so I'm more aware of my body and what to look for and when to call. I'm feeling confident and so is the doctor. I think we'll actually get to take this baby home. <3

4 weeks

I will not be making this public for a few more weeks, but we are officially expecting again. For some silly reason, I had begun to believe that it wouldn't happen for us, despite the fact that it's only been a few months since we started trying again. I was convinced I was now completely infertile and that I was getting too old. Just this past week, on Saturday, I had convinced myself that it's "for the best" if I'm not pregnant this month, because we're moving. Two weeks from tomorrow, we are moving to a beautiful townhouse in Chester Springs. It's been a long road to get there, and expensive as hell, but I can't wait to be out of this apartment in this cluttered town. There are three bedrooms, two window seats, massive closets, an enormous kitchen, and an awesome basement that we have plans to finish soon. BUT, who knows if we'll be able to afford that now. The pressure is on, for sure. I am terrified. I'm nervous. I'm anxious.

I got a positive test on Sunday, the same day my period was due. I had convinced myself this time that I wasn't pregnant. I didn't want to get my hopes up and start planning, and getting nervous if there was no reason for any of it. But, when my period didn't come by Sunday night, I had to take a test to ease my mind. I had taken one five says prior, which came back negative, but it was clearly too soon. This one was pretty clearly positive:

It was a bit anti-climactic in our house. Unlike the last time, we had been actively trying. We were not surprised, we were not shocked. I showed the test to Ben and asked "how many lines do you see?" He said, "One. Or two...are you pregnant?" And I said, "Depending on that second line, I think so." The second line showed up much clearer within minutes. I asked if he was excited. He said yes. I asked if he was happy. He said yes. But, let's not make this all rainbows and candy canes: We're terrified. 

I called the doctor's office on Monday (yesterday) to make an appointment. No one answered at first, so I left a message, stating that I wanted to make an appointment with Dr. D, that I thought I was pregnant, and that I wanted to come in to confirm and get some guidance from the doctor. I got a return phone call an hour or so later from the nurse. She set up the appointment for the next day, and then asked me how far along I was. My initial thought was: How the hell should I know?? That's why I'm setting up an appointment! But, I answered, "I don't know, a couple weeks." To which she very snarkily answered, "We don't like to set up appointments that early, Kim." I CANNOT STAND WHEN PEOPLE DROP MY NAME LIKE THAT! The only reason to do that is to talk down to someone. Don't talk to me like I'm a child. This isn't my first rodeo. And if you had listened to my message or checked my file AT ALL, you would know why I'm making an appointment "that early." In any case, I somehow calmly explained to her that I'm considered high risk this time and was instructed by the doctor to call as soon as I got a positive test. She relented.

Now, today, Tuesday, I have had my first appointment. Since it is so early, there was no ultrasound, or heartbeat check, or any physical examination. I spoke to the doctor and asked my list of questions:

1. Are there any restrictions: diet, sex, travel, lifting, exercise?

No, but if I want to get out of that work trip I'm supposed to take, he can arrange that. :)

2. What are the chances of repeat pre-eclampsia?

Higher than average, but likely not as early as the previous one. And now that we know what caused it, perhaps not at all.

3. What should I be looking for? 

Rapid weight gain, swelling, get an at-home blood pressure cuff.

4. What can I do to prevent it?

We are doing what we need to be doing with the aspirin and the injections. (The injections will not be started for a few more days, two weeks at the most)

5. What will be done/monitored differently this time?

A LOT. Ultrasounds every 4 weeks for the first 20 weeks or so. After 30 weeks, appointments twice a week. We already know I'll be on the shots, and if I request, I can come in even more to be checked.

6. How likely are we to lose this one too?

Again, higher than average, but now that we know what caused the first one, the chances are lower.

7. Will I get that sick again?

Hopefully not!

8. How often will appointments/ultrasounds be?

Already answered.

9. How likely is early delivery?

That all depends on the growth of the baby. We may get to exactly 37 weeks (full-term) and decide to induce, because the chances of something going wrong after that increase. (37 weeks puts us right around Christmas!)

10. Will I need to be induced/have a C-section?

Yet to be determined. Again, all depends on the baby's growth and how healthy I am. 

I am officially 4 weeks today. Due date is January 12, 2020. I asked in the beginning what the chances of a Christmas baby are and he responded, "I'll be very happy if we get you that far." So, highly likely...?

In any case, the doctor seems really positive. He is confident that we are doing everything right and that we are on the right track for a healthy pregnancy and full-term baby. This eases my mind a little, but does not make me less nervous about the process. Also, how the hell are we going to afford a new house and a new baby? 

Life happens quickly, and I am incredibly unprepared. But, how lucky I am.