14 weeks, 6 days

Today was a day. And not an easy one.

I wasn't going to announce this yet. I was going to keep this to myself for a little bit longer and enjoy not having everyone asking me every two seconds how I was feeling. I can somehow still physically hide it. And I was planning on doing that until we passed the 22-week mark. But, I know, better than most, that there is no "safe" time to announce it. Ben and I are expecting again. I will be 15 weeks tomorrow.

It's been a ride so far. I stupidly thought I wasn't going to be one of those people who let her first pregnancy control her second one. I went into this knowing we had a plan, that the chances of a positive outcome were better. But, I also went into this thinking that getting pregnant again would somehow heal me. Would somehow make me less sad about the baby I lost. And obviously, as I knew but needed to be proven, it doesn't work that way. The pain is still raw, it's still real, it's still deep, and it's still unbearable. If anything, there are days when this new pregnancy makes the loss feel worse.

I really wanted to get pregnant again as soon as we were given the all clear. And I pretty much did. Apparently, I get pregnant pretty easily. It's staying that way that's the hard part. There were no tears of joy this time, either. There was no jumping up and down. There was no celebrating. I took a test because we were trying, and I wanted to know. There was no surprise or shock. It just was what it was. "Are you pregnant?" "Yeah. Are you happy?" "I am."

I wasn't as initially scared as I was the first time. Ooooh man, that first time was dark for the first few days. Not because I didn't want it, but because I was so friggin' shocked. I had never expected it to happen so fast. But, I got excited. I started getting ready. I had some stuff already set up in what would have been the baby's room. I started trying to picture what our life and our apartment would be like with a baby in it. But, somehow, I still never really felt "attached." I remember feeling an overwhelming sense of doom every day that I drove to work. Like, I knew somewhere deep down that this would end in tragedy. I thought I was going to get in a car accident (which I actually did), but now I know it must have been everything else. It never felt "right."

It's taking me a while to feel attached to this baby too. I thought finding out the gender early would help form a bond, but that led to gender disappointment that unexpectedly knocked the wind out of me. What kind of a monster am I to care what gender my child is after already losing one? Maybe I don't deserve this baby after all. That was the same day that I got concerning news at work and was made to feel like my job was on the line. It was a dark, dark day. And it was the day before my birthday. One of the worst I've ever had.

That being said, I've come around. I've had roughly four weeks to sit with the news, and unlike last time, we have a name picked out already. So, at least this baby will get to be named. But, today...today was just bad. And I felt it coming. It started when I was texting my mom about stuff at work and I could feel myself getting emotional. Why was I getting so emotional about something that had only ever made me angry before? I knew then it was going to be a rough day. I spent the rest of the day trying not to cry.

But, it wasn't just the sadness that was overtaking me. It was an overwhelming panic. I kept hearing this internal voice screaming "Get this baby out of me!!!" I did not want to be pregnant today. I did not feel at all prepared for this. I felt broken and scared and sad and completely emotionally unfit to take this on. Should I have waited longer to get pregnant? I don't know.

I warned Ben before I came home that I was an emotional wreck and I'd likely just come home, take a warm bath, read, and go to bed. He agreed to give me my space, but we still managed to have dinner together. He cooked. After a comment about something he had said to me today and clarification that "that's not what I'm upset about, but it didn't help," he tried to get me to pinpoint what exactly was wrong. I told him some of the thoughts I'd had above. He had some ideas that I just kept shrugging off. And then, he said, "you know your head better than I do, but maybe you feel guilty. You're having these feelings that you probably had the last time, but now they're magnified because you feel guilty for feeling them. You lost a baby that you still miss very much and you feel guilty for feeling anything other than happiness." And I lost it. Completely broke down in tears. I'm guessing he hit it on the head. I don't know how he does that, but I am so damn grateful for him sometimes. Through my tears I told him that this is what I'd been holding back all day. He asked me why I was holding it back. Maybe I just needed to let it out. And I said I just didn't want to cry anymore. When do I get to be happy again? "When you get to hold that baby," he said.

But, that feels so far away...

That did make me feel better. And then, I did take my bath (with a brand new candle!), and I thought about things, and I decided that maybe I need to tell people what's going on so I don't feel so alone. I know most of my friends (thankfully) won't understand these feelings at all. But, I know some of you who will, and just knowing that you're supporting me from afar may make all the difference. I've been depressed lately. Really, really depressed, and I don't know if it's because of everything going on at work or because of this pregnancy after loss situation, but I know that I need some people in my corner. And so, here it is. Be gentle with me, be patient with me. But mostly, send me all the good vibes you can muster, because I need them.

While you're at it, send a little sympathy my way for these damn shots I need to take every day.

These bastards hurt!! And I'm mad about it. Especially on days like today.

I have taken 60 total. 60 shots for someone who has spent
her entire life avoiding having any. We are not even halfway there.

13 weeks, 1 day

Today, we had our first official ultrasound. By this point, I had pretty much convinced myself that I had lost the baby (again). I'm not really gaining any weight, I have virtually no pregnancy symptoms, and I just don't "feel" pregnant. All of this is right in line with my last pregnancy - and that one ended in disaster. I didn't think I'd be this person. I didn't think my feelings about this pregnancy would be tainted by the last one. We have a plan this time. I'm on medication. I'm being monitored. Everything will be fine.

Except, it's impossible to think that way once you know the potential outcomes. The innocence is gone. I don't want to say there's no joy or excitement in a pregnancy after loss, but it's definitely different. It's more relief than anything else. Seeing that baby move on the monitor. The ultrasound technician was frustrated that the baby wasn't in the right position to get the picture she needed, and all I said to her was "I'm just happy to see it move." Because that's where your mind is. You don't know what you'll see.

This was the first time I grabbed Ben's hand before anything showed up on the monitor. I was excited, but definitely nervous. How would everything look? Are we growing as we should? Are we developing properly? But, everything is fine. Baby is growing appropriately (measuring two days ahead, actually). All tests have come back normal so far. We are on the right track. But, it's hard not to think that we were on the right track last time too. And then, suddenly, we weren't. But, this is a different pregnancy that will hopefully result in a different outcome. I have to remind myself that we will get to take this baby home.

Seeing these images helps:

Looks like a literal peanut! 💓

That profile, though! Ahhh! 

That's our little wiggle worm. Our sweet baby. These images were needed today. I've been having a really hard time at work, and with some things at home, and I just wasn't feeling great mentally. It was the first time I was able to vocalize to someone that I wasn't okay. I showed up at work on Monday and cried at my desk for an hour before I was able to start doing any actual work. I've been in a very bad place lately. And, I'm really sorry to admit that taking care of this baby has not been a priority. I've been eating like crap, and just not really caring. And I think that is part of the reason why I'd convinced myself the baby was gone - because it was easier to think that than to worry about how I was taking care of it. But, seeing these today renewed me. I am not living for myself anymore. I'm living for this little one. This little tiny peanut bean who needs me. And while it's okay to not be okay, I need to figure out a way to be "okay enough" to take care of this little one. And these images help. A lot.

We had a meeting with the MFM doctor after our ultrasound, and we just confirmed a lot of things. He confirmed that I'm doing the right treatments with the aspirin and the shots that I'm doing. (Oh, did you want to see how those are going????) Here you go:

This was taken a few days ago. It's much more purple now.

He told us to get our blood pressure cuff "calibrated" next time we visit the OB to make sure the readings are close enough to theirs. We need to watch my blood pressure incredibly closely. It seems to be the biggest concern. And, they are oddly considering me as having chronic high blood pressure, which isn't true. I never had a high BP reading in my entire life until my loss last year. I began being treated for it regularly afterwards because the numbers weren't going down to where they should have been. So, I don't know. I guess I'm chronic now. It was only a matter of time, I suppose. 

We also discussed the likelihood of having a Christmas baby. The official due date is January 14th, but given my history, the chances of being induced early are higher than normal. Full-term is considered 37 weeks, which puts me right at Christmas Eve. This poor child. Hopefully we can hold on until at least the 28th, right? And listen, going two weeks or more early puts me in line to be able to get the tax write-off for 2019, AND my insurance deductible won't renew. Obviously, we want what's best for baby, but those are definite positives. The doctor seems to agree. So, Christmas baby it is! Ho ho ho! 🎄🎅

And for anyone who wants to know, yes, we know the gender. We've known for about a week and a half now. But, we're going to keep that one to ourselves for a bit longer. 😊 It's fun having that little secret.

So, all good news this week. We're set up for our next ultrasound, which will be at 17 weeks, and we have another appointment with our OB on Monday evening. So, we're chugging along. It's an absolutely terrifying journey, but I hear the rewards are worth it.