13 weeks, 1 day

Today, we had our first official ultrasound. By this point, I had pretty much convinced myself that I had lost the baby (again). I'm not really gaining any weight, I have virtually no pregnancy symptoms, and I just don't "feel" pregnant. All of this is right in line with my last pregnancy - and that one ended in disaster. I didn't think I'd be this person. I didn't think my feelings about this pregnancy would be tainted by the last one. We have a plan this time. I'm on medication. I'm being monitored. Everything will be fine.

Except, it's impossible to think that way once you know the potential outcomes. The innocence is gone. I don't want to say there's no joy or excitement in a pregnancy after loss, but it's definitely different. It's more relief than anything else. Seeing that baby move on the monitor. The ultrasound technician was frustrated that the baby wasn't in the right position to get the picture she needed, and all I said to her was "I'm just happy to see it move." Because that's where your mind is. You don't know what you'll see.

This was the first time I grabbed Ben's hand before anything showed up on the monitor. I was excited, but definitely nervous. How would everything look? Are we growing as we should? Are we developing properly? But, everything is fine. Baby is growing appropriately (measuring two days ahead, actually). All tests have come back normal so far. We are on the right track. But, it's hard not to think that we were on the right track last time too. And then, suddenly, we weren't. But, this is a different pregnancy that will hopefully result in a different outcome. I have to remind myself that we will get to take this baby home.

Seeing these images helps:

Looks like a literal peanut! 💓

That profile, though! Ahhh! 

That's our little wiggle worm. Our sweet baby. These images were needed today. I've been having a really hard time at work, and with some things at home, and I just wasn't feeling great mentally. It was the first time I was able to vocalize to someone that I wasn't okay. I showed up at work on Monday and cried at my desk for an hour before I was able to start doing any actual work. I've been in a very bad place lately. And, I'm really sorry to admit that taking care of this baby has not been a priority. I've been eating like crap, and just not really caring. And I think that is part of the reason why I'd convinced myself the baby was gone - because it was easier to think that than to worry about how I was taking care of it. But, seeing these today renewed me. I am not living for myself anymore. I'm living for this little one. This little tiny peanut bean who needs me. And while it's okay to not be okay, I need to figure out a way to be "okay enough" to take care of this little one. And these images help. A lot.

We had a meeting with the MFM doctor after our ultrasound, and we just confirmed a lot of things. He confirmed that I'm doing the right treatments with the aspirin and the shots that I'm doing. (Oh, did you want to see how those are going????) Here you go:

This was taken a few days ago. It's much more purple now.

He told us to get our blood pressure cuff "calibrated" next time we visit the OB to make sure the readings are close enough to theirs. We need to watch my blood pressure incredibly closely. It seems to be the biggest concern. And, they are oddly considering me as having chronic high blood pressure, which isn't true. I never had a high BP reading in my entire life until my loss last year. I began being treated for it regularly afterwards because the numbers weren't going down to where they should have been. So, I don't know. I guess I'm chronic now. It was only a matter of time, I suppose. 

We also discussed the likelihood of having a Christmas baby. The official due date is January 14th, but given my history, the chances of being induced early are higher than normal. Full-term is considered 37 weeks, which puts me right at Christmas Eve. This poor child. Hopefully we can hold on until at least the 28th, right? And listen, going two weeks or more early puts me in line to be able to get the tax write-off for 2019, AND my insurance deductible won't renew. Obviously, we want what's best for baby, but those are definite positives. The doctor seems to agree. So, Christmas baby it is! Ho ho ho! 🎄🎅

And for anyone who wants to know, yes, we know the gender. We've known for about a week and a half now. But, we're going to keep that one to ourselves for a bit longer. 😊 It's fun having that little secret.

So, all good news this week. We're set up for our next ultrasound, which will be at 17 weeks, and we have another appointment with our OB on Monday evening. So, we're chugging along. It's an absolutely terrifying journey, but I hear the rewards are worth it.