I don't have anything new to report pregnancy-wise, but it's been an oddly rough week. My last post was so optimistic, and I'm still surprised by how quickly that can change. Because, like I've said before: grief is weird.
I'm glad I have my PALS (Pregnancy After Loss Support) group on Facebook, because they help me put words to a lot of my feelings, which I think I'm usually pretty good at, but this is still new territory for me. Yes, once we hit 22 weeks, I was feeling more comfortable with things. That's how far we made it last time, and I just wanted to get past that. And, as soon as I hit 22 weeks, 4 days, I felt even better, because that was officially longer than the last time. And I laid in bed extra long that morning just feeling the baby kick and being grateful and getting excited. And then by Wednesday, which was 23 weeks, 1 day, everything felt heavy again.
I shared this in my Facebook group. It wasn't fear that I felt. I wasn't worried about the baby or myself (although, that's always in the back of my mind). I just felt SAD. I slept on the couch the night before (sometimes it helps with my restless legs), feeling the baby wiggling around inside me. And I let myself feel excited. I let myself finally picture us holding our baby and taking them home. And then, for some reason, I got unbelievably sad that I never got to hold our first baby. Obviously, I've thought about that before -- a lot more so early on -- but I never really felt it the way I did that night. I stared at the empty space in front of me on the couch and thought "she could be laying right here now. She'd be 7 months old if she'd made it to her due date. I'd have a 7-month-old daughter." And I just felt a soul-crushing urge to hug her, to feel those little tiny baby arms wrapped around my neck. My little girl. Needless to say, sleep didn't come easy that night. I tossed and turned for a while, thinking of all I lost and all I still have to gain. This journey is strange.
It didn't go away the next day, either. I was lost in those feelings. I let myself go down that road, because sometimes I just need to. Sometimes I just need to let myself feel it, so I can stop feeling it, if that makes sense. One woman in my PALS group said it perfectly when she said once she passed the point where she lost her previous baby, she started feeling all the same things I did. And the reason was because it made her realize that those two babies really were disconnected now. There were no more similarities. There was no more, "oh yes, I remember this from last time." It's all different now. I never got to experience a single minute of this with my girl. Because I didn't make it this far. And no, there isn't really much difference between 22 weeks and 23 weeks, but it's the knowledge that this week didn't happen with my girl that is enough. To be honest, it felt strange to even say "I'm 23 weeks" when I reached it, because I'd never gotten to say it before. And I realized how badly I miss the innocence of a first pregnancy. That cockiness that comes with every "perfect" checkup, with every "normal" ultrasound, and every "negative" test result. Those days of believing that everything is fine and baby and I are invincible are over. I left work early the other day because I felt dizzy and hot. Everything was fine, but even the tiniest twinge of something not being right is too much sometimes.
I don't know why that day in particular was so difficult. There was nothing special about the date. It was almost a full week after the same gestational age as my loss. But, I know I was sad at work all day. Sad enough to the point where there was a brief period where I just sat at my desk and cried, not even able to see what I was working on. And then I came home and got a text message from my old college roommate, who I simply adore, letting me know that she had her baby girl...whose first name was my #1 choice and whose middle name was Ben's #1 choice. What are the odds? Goodness, that stung. By the time Ben came home and dinner was eaten, I was a bit of a mess. I just cried to him about it all again. And, maybe this is stupid, but I feel bad every time I do, because it's been almost a year, and I feel like I shouldn't still feel that sad. But, that day, it felt almost as fresh as the day I came home from the hospital. I begged him to help me finally name this baby. I had asked him previously and he couldn't get there. I sort of sprung it on him out of nowhere and caught him off guard and only succeeded in making him really sad. But, I need to give her a name. Before her first "birth"day, I need to name her. I need to be able to call her by name when I talk about her, because I do so often. I guess I didn't think I would at first...
He's still not as into the idea as I am. His reasons being that I had more of a connection to the baby. I got to feel her move, I got to be the one doing all the hard work and forming the bond. He was simply an observer from the outside. And yes, he loved that baby, and he misses that baby, but he doesn't feel the loss in the same way I do. And while that makes me really sad, I do respect it, and I do understand it. But, I'm giving this baby a name. Because she did live, she was real, and she does deserve it.
Saturday, September 21, 2019
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
22 Weeks
This is the week I've been dreading. The week I just needed to "get past" before I could start feeling better and relaxing. With my first pregnancy, we went in for our anatomy scan at 21 weeks, 6 days. That was where we found out that things were going wrong. We still didn't know how bad they would get, and weren't even told that we may lose the baby, but we did know something was wrong. By 22 weeks, 3 days (four days later), Baby Girl was gone and I nearly was as well. So, 22 weeks has been my major milestone. If I could just get here and see that everything is okay, I may start believing that everything will continue to be okay. And so here we are.
This time, our anatomy scan was at 21 weeks, 1 day. And everything was perfect. We confirmed gender again (I think it's safe to say it's not going to change at this point). We saw fingers, toes, arms, legs, the heart, the brain, the bladder, and everything in between. We even got this killer ultrasound:
Ben couldn't come with me this time, which did concern me. He had a doctor's appointment of his own that he had already cancelled once and I didn't want him to cancel again. I had thankfully felt the baby moving the night before the appointment, so I wasn't that concerned, but my mom came along with me anyway. I think it means a lot to her to come with me. They didn't have ultrasounds when she was pregnant with my brother and I more than 30 years ago, so it's neat for her to see her grandchild this way. It was a little disappointing that Ben didn't get to see the baby so active. That was definitely not how our previous anatomy scan went. It would have been nice for him to experience a "normal" one. But, there will be other opportunities for him to see our peanut.
Not only is baby doing well, but they are actually measuring six days larger than "normal." At our last one, Baby Girl measured three weeks behind. So yeah, things are looking great. And I've actually let myself feel excited at times. I will say this, though: this is the craziest roller coaster I've ever been on.
Again, it's hard for me to say if these are normal pregnancy hormones and emotions, or if they are magnified because of all I've been through. But, more often than not, my emotions are all over the place. I'll start with the really hard confession first: Sometimes, I resent this baby. There are times when I allow myself to get lost in that feeling of "okay, why do you get to live when your sister did not? Why did we lose her, but you're still alive and well?" And, seriously, WTF? I should just be thankful for a healthy baby at this point. I don't know. Any loss mamas want to let me know if they've experienced this feeling as well? Or should I just accept the fact that I'm an absolutely dreadful person who doesn't deserve to be a mother?
There are other times, though, when I think of holding that baby and I am overwhelmed with excitement. To bite those little toes, have those tiny hands wrapped around my finger, smell that sweet baby smell, and enjoy all the snuggles. And yes, sometimes I'm excited about the diapers and the spit-up, and the crying. All the things I've waited my whole life for. So, maybe I do deserve to be a mother? Like I said, all over the place. But, at least I'm in a place now where I can somewhat joke about it.
Another feeling that confuses me is when the baby kicks. Honestly, I hate it. The only times I'm excited about it are when a lot of time has gone by without one. But, more often than not they make me want to cry. What the hell is that about? It doesn't feel like an "I'm so happy I could cry" kind of cry either. It feels like a "holy shit, there is a person living inside of me" kind of cry. It's seriously wild. There's a person in there. Like, an actual person. I've seen it move. I've seen it swallow. And I can feel its little arms and legs punching and kicking me in the gut. I love this little baby and I'm grateful for each little flutter, but seriously...gross.
Last night was another routine OB appointment. Baby's heartbeat is nice and strong, my vitals are all perfect, everyone is healthy. I asked the doctor about three things: what I could do for my sciatic pain, what I could do for my restless legs at night, and if the charlie horses in my feet and legs are anything to be concerned about. He showed me some stretches for the pain and asked about my iron intake for the other two. I confessed I didn't know if I was getting enough. I find it incredibly frustrating to try to get enough of everything I need. I gave up on prenatal vitamins a long time ago, I confess. Which leads me to the next point.
Ben decided to tell on me. He flat out told the doctor I wasn't taking my prenatals. So, naturally, the doctor turns to me and says, "that's probably why you're having those leg cramps." Oh, how Ben gloated. I've tried so many different vitamins. Even during my last pregnancy, I was never really able to stomach them. I hate the gummies. They're honestly so gross and they make me feel sick. The pills are either enormous or have fish in them (or both), and I literally can't swallow them. I gave up on those when I all but threw one up on my bed. The only other options are the tiny pills, which are obviously preferred, but are not covered by insurance. Why is everything a battle?? So, the doctor gave me several samples and told me to let him know which one works the best and we'd fight the insurance company on the grounds that they were the only ones I could stomach. Who knows if it'll work? I guess the up side is that I only have to deal with them for another four months.
After that, we quickly went over the ultrasound results and said our goodbyes, with the doctor saying "I'm glad everything's looking good." Me too, doc.
Another ultrasound and OB appointment in four weeks, then the glucose test three weeks after that. I never made it this far last time. We are doing this. This is happening. The belly is there, the kicks are there, the fear/excitement is there. We're bringing this baby home. I know it.
This time, our anatomy scan was at 21 weeks, 1 day. And everything was perfect. We confirmed gender again (I think it's safe to say it's not going to change at this point). We saw fingers, toes, arms, legs, the heart, the brain, the bladder, and everything in between. We even got this killer ultrasound:
 |
| That's our little brat simultaneously sucking their thumb and giving the finger. A child after my own heart. |
Ben couldn't come with me this time, which did concern me. He had a doctor's appointment of his own that he had already cancelled once and I didn't want him to cancel again. I had thankfully felt the baby moving the night before the appointment, so I wasn't that concerned, but my mom came along with me anyway. I think it means a lot to her to come with me. They didn't have ultrasounds when she was pregnant with my brother and I more than 30 years ago, so it's neat for her to see her grandchild this way. It was a little disappointing that Ben didn't get to see the baby so active. That was definitely not how our previous anatomy scan went. It would have been nice for him to experience a "normal" one. But, there will be other opportunities for him to see our peanut.
Not only is baby doing well, but they are actually measuring six days larger than "normal." At our last one, Baby Girl measured three weeks behind. So yeah, things are looking great. And I've actually let myself feel excited at times. I will say this, though: this is the craziest roller coaster I've ever been on.
Again, it's hard for me to say if these are normal pregnancy hormones and emotions, or if they are magnified because of all I've been through. But, more often than not, my emotions are all over the place. I'll start with the really hard confession first: Sometimes, I resent this baby. There are times when I allow myself to get lost in that feeling of "okay, why do you get to live when your sister did not? Why did we lose her, but you're still alive and well?" And, seriously, WTF? I should just be thankful for a healthy baby at this point. I don't know. Any loss mamas want to let me know if they've experienced this feeling as well? Or should I just accept the fact that I'm an absolutely dreadful person who doesn't deserve to be a mother?
There are other times, though, when I think of holding that baby and I am overwhelmed with excitement. To bite those little toes, have those tiny hands wrapped around my finger, smell that sweet baby smell, and enjoy all the snuggles. And yes, sometimes I'm excited about the diapers and the spit-up, and the crying. All the things I've waited my whole life for. So, maybe I do deserve to be a mother? Like I said, all over the place. But, at least I'm in a place now where I can somewhat joke about it.
Another feeling that confuses me is when the baby kicks. Honestly, I hate it. The only times I'm excited about it are when a lot of time has gone by without one. But, more often than not they make me want to cry. What the hell is that about? It doesn't feel like an "I'm so happy I could cry" kind of cry either. It feels like a "holy shit, there is a person living inside of me" kind of cry. It's seriously wild. There's a person in there. Like, an actual person. I've seen it move. I've seen it swallow. And I can feel its little arms and legs punching and kicking me in the gut. I love this little baby and I'm grateful for each little flutter, but seriously...gross.
Last night was another routine OB appointment. Baby's heartbeat is nice and strong, my vitals are all perfect, everyone is healthy. I asked the doctor about three things: what I could do for my sciatic pain, what I could do for my restless legs at night, and if the charlie horses in my feet and legs are anything to be concerned about. He showed me some stretches for the pain and asked about my iron intake for the other two. I confessed I didn't know if I was getting enough. I find it incredibly frustrating to try to get enough of everything I need. I gave up on prenatal vitamins a long time ago, I confess. Which leads me to the next point.
Ben decided to tell on me. He flat out told the doctor I wasn't taking my prenatals. So, naturally, the doctor turns to me and says, "that's probably why you're having those leg cramps." Oh, how Ben gloated. I've tried so many different vitamins. Even during my last pregnancy, I was never really able to stomach them. I hate the gummies. They're honestly so gross and they make me feel sick. The pills are either enormous or have fish in them (or both), and I literally can't swallow them. I gave up on those when I all but threw one up on my bed. The only other options are the tiny pills, which are obviously preferred, but are not covered by insurance. Why is everything a battle?? So, the doctor gave me several samples and told me to let him know which one works the best and we'd fight the insurance company on the grounds that they were the only ones I could stomach. Who knows if it'll work? I guess the up side is that I only have to deal with them for another four months.
After that, we quickly went over the ultrasound results and said our goodbyes, with the doctor saying "I'm glad everything's looking good." Me too, doc.
Another ultrasound and OB appointment in four weeks, then the glucose test three weeks after that. I never made it this far last time. We are doing this. This is happening. The belly is there, the kicks are there, the fear/excitement is there. We're bringing this baby home. I know it.
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