This time, our anatomy scan was at 21 weeks, 1 day. And everything was perfect. We confirmed gender again (I think it's safe to say it's not going to change at this point). We saw fingers, toes, arms, legs, the heart, the brain, the bladder, and everything in between. We even got this killer ultrasound:
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| That's our little brat simultaneously sucking their thumb and giving the finger. A child after my own heart. |
Ben couldn't come with me this time, which did concern me. He had a doctor's appointment of his own that he had already cancelled once and I didn't want him to cancel again. I had thankfully felt the baby moving the night before the appointment, so I wasn't that concerned, but my mom came along with me anyway. I think it means a lot to her to come with me. They didn't have ultrasounds when she was pregnant with my brother and I more than 30 years ago, so it's neat for her to see her grandchild this way. It was a little disappointing that Ben didn't get to see the baby so active. That was definitely not how our previous anatomy scan went. It would have been nice for him to experience a "normal" one. But, there will be other opportunities for him to see our peanut.
Not only is baby doing well, but they are actually measuring six days larger than "normal." At our last one, Baby Girl measured three weeks behind. So yeah, things are looking great. And I've actually let myself feel excited at times. I will say this, though: this is the craziest roller coaster I've ever been on.
Again, it's hard for me to say if these are normal pregnancy hormones and emotions, or if they are magnified because of all I've been through. But, more often than not, my emotions are all over the place. I'll start with the really hard confession first: Sometimes, I resent this baby. There are times when I allow myself to get lost in that feeling of "okay, why do you get to live when your sister did not? Why did we lose her, but you're still alive and well?" And, seriously, WTF? I should just be thankful for a healthy baby at this point. I don't know. Any loss mamas want to let me know if they've experienced this feeling as well? Or should I just accept the fact that I'm an absolutely dreadful person who doesn't deserve to be a mother?
There are other times, though, when I think of holding that baby and I am overwhelmed with excitement. To bite those little toes, have those tiny hands wrapped around my finger, smell that sweet baby smell, and enjoy all the snuggles. And yes, sometimes I'm excited about the diapers and the spit-up, and the crying. All the things I've waited my whole life for. So, maybe I do deserve to be a mother? Like I said, all over the place. But, at least I'm in a place now where I can somewhat joke about it.
Another feeling that confuses me is when the baby kicks. Honestly, I hate it. The only times I'm excited about it are when a lot of time has gone by without one. But, more often than not they make me want to cry. What the hell is that about? It doesn't feel like an "I'm so happy I could cry" kind of cry either. It feels like a "holy shit, there is a person living inside of me" kind of cry. It's seriously wild. There's a person in there. Like, an actual person. I've seen it move. I've seen it swallow. And I can feel its little arms and legs punching and kicking me in the gut. I love this little baby and I'm grateful for each little flutter, but seriously...gross.
Last night was another routine OB appointment. Baby's heartbeat is nice and strong, my vitals are all perfect, everyone is healthy. I asked the doctor about three things: what I could do for my sciatic pain, what I could do for my restless legs at night, and if the charlie horses in my feet and legs are anything to be concerned about. He showed me some stretches for the pain and asked about my iron intake for the other two. I confessed I didn't know if I was getting enough. I find it incredibly frustrating to try to get enough of everything I need. I gave up on prenatal vitamins a long time ago, I confess. Which leads me to the next point.
Ben decided to tell on me. He flat out told the doctor I wasn't taking my prenatals. So, naturally, the doctor turns to me and says, "that's probably why you're having those leg cramps." Oh, how Ben gloated. I've tried so many different vitamins. Even during my last pregnancy, I was never really able to stomach them. I hate the gummies. They're honestly so gross and they make me feel sick. The pills are either enormous or have fish in them (or both), and I literally can't swallow them. I gave up on those when I all but threw one up on my bed. The only other options are the tiny pills, which are obviously preferred, but are not covered by insurance. Why is everything a battle?? So, the doctor gave me several samples and told me to let him know which one works the best and we'd fight the insurance company on the grounds that they were the only ones I could stomach. Who knows if it'll work? I guess the up side is that I only have to deal with them for another four months.
After that, we quickly went over the ultrasound results and said our goodbyes, with the doctor saying "I'm glad everything's looking good." Me too, doc.
Another ultrasound and OB appointment in four weeks, then the glucose test three weeks after that. I never made it this far last time. We are doing this. This is happening. The belly is there, the kicks are there, the fear/excitement is there. We're bringing this baby home. I know it.
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