29 weeks, 5 days

Two appointments last week. Both went fine. The regular OB appointment was first, on Monday. I've gained 19 pounds, which is right on track; my blood pressure is still perfect; and I was able to get both my flu shot and my whooping cough vaccine. On top of that, it was time for my one-hour glucose test, which I was admittedly nervous about. I know that technically, gestational diabetes doesn't really have anything to do with how you eat, but I've certainly been pushing the boundaries on it. My diet is atrocious and I'm just too damn tired to care. In any case, it wasn't as bad as expected. I got there a little bit early, so they let me have the drink early. Ten ounces in under four minutes, and I wasn't allowed to have any water afterwards. I didn't think I'd be able to do it, but I was fine. After that, it was just waiting for an hour. But, thankfully, I had my check-up in between, so it wasn't a full hour of just sitting and waiting.

I asked the doctor about the pelvic pain I've been having...it's been pretty terrible. At first, it was only every once in a while, and it wasn't really a big deal. But, now it's become more constant, and I'm just over it. Of course it's normal, as is the pain in my heels when I walk after sitting for too long. *sigh* Only ten weeks and two days more at most. I am not loving this.

Anyway, after the hour was up, they took a blood draw, which I was nervous about, because I hadn't eaten much that day, in fear of skewing the results of the test. It always feels like it takes forever, even though this time they told me they "only" took two vials. But, I survived, then they gave me the flu shot and the whooping cough vaccine, and they were fine. I laugh at the number of needles I had to endure that day (because, remember, I had to come home and get my daily injection as well!), because I've spent the last, like 20 years, avoiding needles. So, yeah, it was a big day for me.

I got lost getting KFC on the way home, cause when a craving strikes, you just do what you have to do. My phone was at 2% and I was horribly lost and terrified that it would die and I wouldn't be able to use the GPS to get home. But, again, I survived. I got two extra biscuits with my meal, and honestly, I could live on those alone. And call me crazy, but those frozen mashed potatoes are delish! Even before I was pregnant.

Wednesday was my ultrasound. Just another one of my 4-week growth scans. Baby is up to 3 pounds now and doing well. We still can't get a clear shot of the face, because every single time we try, the hands are covering the face. A shy little thing, just like Mama. I swear, they've got Ben's nose, though. In any case, not much to report there. We're on track. Baby is measuring perfectly, I'm measuring perfectly, all the medications and constant check-ups are working.

Now is when it starts getting crazy and kind of stressful, though. Starting at 32 weeks, I need to get twice weekly non-stress tests. I was originally told that it needed to be at the hospital I was meant to deliver at, which made me nervous, because that's over an hour from work and there's no way I'd be able to do that twice a week. My boss gave me the all-clear to work from home on those days. But, now it turns out I can get one of the tests done at the OB office, which has evening hours. And the other one can be done at the West Chester branch, which is not too far from where we live. So, I won't really need to work from home, but shit, I'm going to anyway. Just on the West Chester days. On top of those, I still have to maintain my OB appointments that are now every two weeks instead of every four, and my 4-week ultrasounds. I genuinely have no friggin clue how I'm going to do all this. I am beyond stressed out about it, and because of that, I've only made one appointment so far. I'm certain I'll have difficulties scheduling them all if I wait much longer, but I just can't.

Because, on top of that, my dad is being a jerk again, Ben's mom was in the hospital all weekend, my debit card was compromised again (which overdrew my account), and I'm still trying to keep my head above water at work. It also turns out that almost everyone knows the gender of our baby, which just pisses me off. Our parents and siblings were the only ones we told, except for Ben's dad, who didn't want to know. I know my mom slipped with my aunt, which is fine. And I know his mom told her sister, which is not really fine, but it wasn't particularly an argument I felt like having. So somewhere along the line, people blabbed. Ben's dad now knows, and I feel terrible about it, and incredibly pissed off. It's honestly just disrespectful. Not only did you go against my wishes and spread the word, but you also told this man the gender of his own grandchild, even though he didn't want to know. It wasn't your place or your business to tell. And, unfortunately, I don't know who it was, or who told them. So, I'm honestly just pissed at everyone. I also have an aunt who over analyzed one single item on my registry (despite my best efforts to keep everything 100% gender neutral) and figured it out, and then got confirmation from my mother. It's just ridiculous. Why does everyone want to know so badly? Why can't I have a single thing during this pregnancy that I ask for? The minute people find out your baby's gender, they go crazy buying you gender-specific clothes, which whatever, it's going to happen once the baby is born anyway. But, if I open them at my shower, then everyone else is going to know, which means this person essentially took it upon themselves to announce it to everyone. My mom keeps telling me we shouldn't have told anyone, including her, but that just puts the blame on us. People have no respect. Why is it not possible to be just as excited for us without knowing the gender of our baby? It's just feeling like I waited so long for this, got all my ducks in a row before I even tried to get pregnant, had a really traumatic loss that almost killed me, and have been through hell keeping this baby inside, and everyone else thinks it's their baby. I appreciate the excitement, but why can't I just do this the way I want to? It's already so far from what I thought it would be, and I'm having a hard time understanding that people don't seem to realize that. I'm just not the kind of person who likes to be bothered. If I want to tell you information, I will gladly tell you. Or, if you ask me directly, I will likely tell you. But, I don't have the patience for sneakiness and gossip. I'm not a story. I'm a fucking person, who had dreams of her own about pregnancy and motherhood - and they were shattered in the most painful and terrifying way. And it just feels like everyone forgets that. I don't feel like I've asked for much. I've been pretty much an open book about this pregnancy and the entire journey, so the fact that the one thing I asked for can't be respected just infuriates me.

Look, I'm grateful for every second of this pregnancy. Every minute that I get to keep this baby in there, knowing that they are growing and becoming stronger, and getting a better chance, is a relief. But, I'm also incredibly ready to not be pregnant anymore. Things quickly went from "aside from the shots, this really isn't terrible," to "oh my god, everything hurts and I want to die." Like, within a week. And I'm just over it. And I want this baby to be here, because apparently I stupidly think that will make me less pissed off about people not respecting my wishes. I'm just ready to hibernate through the winter with my kid and not let anyone touch us or be near us. Is that unreasonable? I don't care. I know I said after we lost Violet that I wouldn't complain about anything when I got pregnant again, but listen, this shit is for the birds. I'm figuring out I can be both grateful and absolutely miserable at the same time, so I guess that's where I'm at lately.