Sophie's Choice

A friend and fellow blogger challenged me to write a blog post about a subject of her choice (visit her amazing blog here: http://sophielynne1.blogspot.com/). She chose, "What Being a Woman Means to Me." It is purely coincidental that this falls on the same day as International Women's Day, but a happy coincidence nonetheless. So, in a word, being a woman to me, means fearlessness. And I will explain.

As women, we are taught from a very young age to act a certain way, to dress a certain way, to look a certain way. We are pigeon-holed into certain careers. We are paid less than our male counterparts. We are taught to walk down dark streets in fear. During our school years, we are prohibited from wearing certain things, so as not to "distract" the boys. To this day, I will not pump gas after dark, unless I am in danger of completely running out and being stranded, because I've been trained to be afraid of what's lurking in the dark. In a nutshell, we are taught, from birth, to be afraid. So, for me, being a woman is about beating those fears. It's about not letting those fears, and those labels, and those restrictions define who we are and what we are capable of. I joke pretty regularly that "I'm not very good at being a girl," which of course means, I'm not very good at holding myself to society's idea of what I should be. The career I've chosen to pursue may be predominantly female, but it's still an ambitious career. My education is higher than women of past generations were able or allowed to pursue.

My mom and I joke about the fact that she once told me she didn't want a daughter, because she "didn't know what to do with one." I like to pretend that I'm offended, but I know what she really means. As a kid, my mom was a tomboy. She had three older brothers, was very athletic, and was not much a fan of dresses. She liked toy guns, and playing cowboys and Indians, and getting herself dirty. So, when it came to raising a daughter who was supposed to be "girly," she didn't know what to do. Fair enough. I'm decidedly more feminine that I imagined I'd turn out by this age, but I'm still not good at the "girl" thing. I do always feel like I've been too sensitive for my own good, I think I have a strong motherly instinct, and I like making a house a home. But, I have always gotten along better with men. When it comes to social interactions, I don't have much in common with women. I don't even really know what that means, but I find women exhausting sometimes. Maybe it's just the ones who are trying too hard to fit into the stereotypes. Stay-at-home moms bum me out, because I feel like us women fought so hard to have the right to our own careers, and there are so many women now giving up that right. Obviously, I'd love to be in a situation where I didn't have to work, but I'd work anyway. Because I've worked too damn hard in my life to not go after that career. There is no reason in the world why I can't have a family and a career. I don't want to rely on a man. I don't want to know that I need someone else. I don't want to know that my well-being, my life, my stability, all depends on someone else. What if he loses that job? What if he gets injured, or worse? What if we split up (it's happened to me before, as we all know...and it crushed me financially). I want to know that I have what I have because I worked for it. I want to know that it can't be taken from me by anyone else. I want to go to the doctor on my own benefits, pay my rent with my own paycheck. It's nice having Ben's paycheck to soften the blow, but this apartment is under my name. I was approved for and signed the lease based on my own credit, and my own history. I like that. It makes me feel more stable. It makes me feel like less of a stereotype. And when we have kids, you better believe I will continue to work. Because there's no reason why I can't, or why I shouldn't.

So, for me, being a woman means living your life without fear. Don't be afraid to go for those dreams, no matter how many people tell you they're impossible, or that you don't have what it takes. Don't be afraid to expect equal and fair treatment. Don't be afraid to dress how you want, or act how you want, or like what you like, just to fit into some old fashioned idea of what you're supposed to be. Hold your head high, make your own decisions, and be proud of who you are. Because you earned it.