10 weeks

Today, I am exactly ten weeks into my second pregnancy. I am feeling surprisingly good. I had a little bit of nausea this afternoon, but otherwise, that's been fine. Food aversions and/or cravings haven't started yet, and I definitely don't have back pain like I did the last time. I remember having back pain pretty much the entire time, and I asked about it at every appointment, only to be told it was normal "round ligament pain." I should have insisted it was more, because it obviously was.

Since my last entry, I had an appointment last night. Apparently, I was two days early for any of the 10-week blood tests that needed to be done. "I told you to come back in 4 weeks, you came back in 3 weeks, 5 days." Uuuuuuugh! Who knew two days made such a big difference? So, I have to be back tomorrow morning for the blood work. But, we did get to hear the baby's heartbeat. It's nice and strong at about 170. Right where it should be.

I didn't have a long list of questions this time like I usually do, but if you're ready for some TMI, I did have some concerns. Because, listen, pregnancy is not glamorous. It's not all peaches and roses, and even though this is our "rainbow" baby, it's not rainbows and unicorns either. Sometimes it's downright disgusting. That being said, I am constipated as hell. Since my last appointment, I've been to the bathroom a total of about 4 times. That's more or less once a week. No good. So, the doctor suggested Metamucil. I searched for it briefly today and only found the kind that lessen your appetite. I definitely don't want that right now, so I'll have to search for more this weekend.

Another question was about allergies. Because, seriously, I can't breathe. And this happened during my last pregnancy, too, and I took my inhaler a few times, but I really wasn't supposed to. I know that wasn't the cause of the loss, but still...I'd rather not take it again. I don't have the typical runny nose or itchy eyes, or scratchy throat, etc. Literally just trouble breathing. But, sometimes it nearly throws me into a panic attack because it's scary. So, the doctor suggested Zyrtec or Claritin...both of which cause drowsiness, and honestly, I cannot handle being any more tired than I am. So, I may just have to deal with this one. We'll see how it goes.

I also asked if I could eat hot dogs. I know that seems really, really random, but I've always heard that you're not supposed to eat them when you're pregnant. But, they weren't listed on any of the paperwork I received telling me what not to eat. I also didn't find any mention of it online. So, I asked. Because the 4th of July is coming up and it's not the 4th of July without hot dogs. I was pregnant last 4th too and didn't get to have any, so I WANT ONE! Dr. D said it's fine, as long as it's cooked. Obviously.

But, anyway, since I'm into my tenth week now, things are getting serious, I guess. Second trimester is only two weeks away. At this time in my last pregnancy, I was definitely not showing at all. Maybe a little bit of bloating, but nothing noticeable. Today, I look like this:

I know it's hard to tell, but that's just about what I looked like when I lost my last pregnancy at 22 weeks. I'm not even halfway to that point yet. Dr. D assures me there's only one in there, though. 

It's getting harder to hide it at work. And I don't necessarily want to hide it, but I'm not quite ready for everyone to be asking how I feel all the time. I hate it. I hate being the center of attention. And I know this time, everyone will be more worried because of how catastrophic my last pregnancy was. I am excited to be expecting my rainbow, but not excited to face the well-meaning questioners. I'm sure they will be talking amongst themselves soon! Who will be the first one to ask?! 

Aside from that, the changes between this pregnancy and the last are pretty minor. I've had virtually no morning sickness with both. And with both, if it wasn't for the tiny little bump and the knowledge that I was pregnant, I probably wouldn't know. I'm just tired. That's my biggest complaint. However, I'd say the biggest change is the amount of medication I'm on. Before I got pregnant for the first time, I was only on two medications:

The pink one is for acid reflux, which I've been taking since college. The white one is for depression, which I've been taking about five or six years now. Very low dosage. Easily part of my daily routine. I don't even think about them anymore. 

The cause of my loss was due to sudden and severe early onset pre-eclampsia caused by a clotting disorder I didn't know I had. Because my blood pressure spiked so high (high 100s/low 100s), I was put on a blood pressure medication, which I've needed to stay on since then. So, now we're up to three:

Still not a huge deal. Tiny pill, but it's taken twice a day, so now instead of taking all my pills at once, I need to remember a second time during the day. Annoying but manageable. 

After I was diagnosed with the clotting disorder, I was told that any further pregnancies would require baby aspirin and a blood-thinner injection. I was crushed, to be honest. Needles are not my favorite. I have avoided them at all costs until this point in my life. I've cancelled doctor appointments to avoid getting them. My first blood draw as an adult was when I got pregnant. I'm a baby, truly. So, one of my first thoughts was, "is this even worth it at this point?" It seemed daunting. It seemed impossible. And man, was I mad. Why me? There are so many people out there popping out babies they shouldn't be having. People with no security, no stability, addicted to drugs, etc. And here I am, working my whole life to get to a point where I'd feel comfortable bringing a baby into the world, and I've basically been told I can't. M.A.D.

It was a process at first. I had days where I knew I was most definitely not okay. I got lost on the way home from work one day because of a detour, and I kept missing the turn I needed, and I just broke down at a stop sign and kept repeating to myself, "I am not okay." I came home, hugged my husband, and said with tears in my eyes that there was a chance this wouldn't happen for us. He said he knew and held me while I let it out. So, yes, I mourned this life I thought I would have. And perhaps that was dramatic of me, because certainly people with this condition have children all the time. But, for me, it didn't seem possible.

But, I got over it, so to speak. We made a plan. We'd try twice more, and if it didn't happen, then we'd discuss other options. I refuse to be the person who spends her entire life trying to have a baby. My physical and mental health can't handle it. So, we waited until we got the okay and started trying again. And just like before, we succeeded on the first try! How crazy that I can get pregnant so easily, but staying pregnant is the challenge. Frustrating.

Since then, you've been on the journey with me. And my medications now look like this:

What's been added there is the blood thinner injection (once a day), the baby aspirin (once a day, tiny little yellow pill), and a prenatal vitamin (twice a day), which for some reason is the hardest of all of them for me to take.

So, I'm doing it. I'm getting it done. I'm taking my shots. I'm taking my pills. Everyone was right when they told me I'd get used to it. I've tried some of their tips. Some of them worked and some didn't. I start by icing it for 20 minutes. This takes away the initial sting of the needle itself. At this point, I barely feel that part. But, ooooh, the medication burns. And it's been suggested by many to do the shot sloooooowly, but I cannot bring myself to do it. Ben does the shots for me and every time he's tried to do it slow, it's hurt more than usual. So, he does it quickly, it burns for a minute or two, I ice it again, and then we're over it. Yes, it sucks. Yes, some days I'm still mad about it. But, honestly, it's not nearly as awful as I anticipated. Somehow, miraculously, I've taken all of these so far:

That's 25, minus the one the nurse gave me on the first day. So, twenty-six in total so far. I have not even begun to climb that hill, but I can see the end now. It doesn't seem impossible anymore. It doesn't seem so terrifying. I don't feel so helpless anymore, or as sad as I was. I am optimistic. And, my initial feeling of "well, I guess we're only having one kid, because I can't do this more than once" has gone. I think I could do this again. :) But, we're only at the beginning.

I can't believe I'm doing this. I am so friggin' proud of myself, and I know that this baby will be so unbelievably loved and cherished for all we've gone through to bring him/her into this world. We just have to hang in there for 30 more weeks.