Now, I feel pressure to write regularly, which was probably part of her sneaky plan.
Anyway, last time I wrote, I talked about a topic of Sophie's choosing, which was, what it means to be a woman. She told me that it was my turn to pick the next topic. And I've been putting it off, because that's what I do. For the last week or so, though, I've been thinking about what I want to write about. Or rather, what I want Sophie to write about. So, I've asked her to write about the one book/CD/movie/etc that changed her life. I'm going to write about the same.
I've mentioned the book many times in my writings, but I don't think I ever went into detail about how or why it changed my life. The book is Delirium by Lauren Oliver. It's a young adult dystopian, which I'm sure we're all sick of by now, but hear me out. It was recommended to me by one of my grad school friends and she discussed it so beautifully that I had to read it. In an effort to not completely screw up all that is beautiful about the book, here is the description, taken directly from the website:
Before scientists found the cure, people thought love was a good thing.
They didn’t understand that once love -- the deliria -- blooms in your blood, there is no escaping its hold. Things are different now. Scientists are able to eradicate love, and the government demands that all citizens receive the cure upon turning eighteen. Lena Holoway has always looked forward to the day when she’ll be cured. A life without love is a life without pain: safe, measured, predictable, and happy.
But with ninety-five days left until her treatment, Lena does the unthinkable: She falls in love.
I read this book during the summer of 2014, during the height of my depression. At that point, it had been over a year and half since my divorce and the passing of my stepdad (which happened two weeks apart from each other, for all you newbies). I had been living in my own apartment for about six months, the first time I ever lived alone. I was dating Ben at that point for over a year, and I was well on my way to rebuilding everything I'd lost in the divorce. But, I was still miserable. I had been seeing a therapist for over a year and she was amazing, but it wasn't enough. I had stopped taking my anti-depressants, because I wanted to prove that I didn't need them (I did). It was getting progressively more difficult for me to get out of bed and carry on my life. I was still in grad school, but had just decided to take time off (which I didn't do), because I couldn't deal. I was crying every day. I was still scared, and still in the process of transitioning my ways of thinking. I have always been rather rigid, for lack of a better word. I have always been fiercely against drinking, and smoking, and drugs, etc. I went to college, got a job, bought a house, and got married, because that's what people are "supposed to" do. In a nutshell, my life was incredibly boring. It wasn't until I decided to go back to school that things started clicking. But, it was still scary. I'd lived 27 years with certain beliefs, and certain views, and certain ways of thinking. As Ben likes to say, "I'm un-manipulatable." I'll take that as a compliment, regardless of how it was meant. I don't easily change my mind. I don't easily back down. Until my marriage fell apart, I believed love was all that mattered in the world. I believed that as long as you loved someone enough, anything was possible. Love was my religion, if you will. Even though I was raised Catholic, I had long since given up on the idea of religion as a whole. I consider myself an Atheist (though, I do understand the need for some people to have religion in their lives. I respect that, but it's not for me). For those who consider themselves religious, compare my divorce to you suddenly discovering, without a shadow of doubt, that God does not exist. That's what it felt like. My entire life philosophy had been wrong. Everything I'd built my life around, everything I'd believed in, everything I'd fought for, and stood up for was wrong. Where did I even begin to rebuild?
It took me a really, really long time to get out of that. I will admit that part of that is probably because I fell into a new relationship immediately (like, within days of making my divorce public...don't judge...). Ben and I were best friends. He was at my wedding, we worked together, we talked every single day. He was there for me when things fell apart. But, it got serious with him very quickly. And while I was raised pretty conservatively, Ben was textbook Liberal. Ben had the old "I'll try anything once" attitude, which was absolutely terrifying for "I like predictability" Kim. Our adjustment period was probably longer than it should have been. And we fought A LOT. But, we both knew there was something rare between us, so every time we broke up (once is too many times, to be honest, but these were extenuating circumstances), we talked it out and worked through it.
That being said, there were still some things in his life that I wasn't comfortable with. There were still things that I couldn't get past. There were still things that I judged, and I ran from, and I didn't want to accept. A lot of tears went into it. A lot of fighting. A lot of back and forth, and head bashing, and hair pulling, and eye rolling, and frustration. I didn't have the presence of mind at the time to put things into words. There were too many other things for me to work through to worry about other things that were incredibly minor to him, but unbelievably important to me.
Cut to July 2014. We had just gotten home for Atlantic City, where we spent my 29th birthday. His aunt and uncle have a house there with a little apartment attached, which is where we stayed. It was lovely getting to hang out alone and spend some time with his family as well. They're all great people and we get along wonderfully. That was the first trip him and I took that didn't end in some sort of disaster. There was no fighting. Things were good.
I had started reading Delirium while we were there, but I find it difficult to read on a beach, where there are so many distractions. But, as soon as I got home, I sat down to read it. And didn't stop until I finished (nearly 400 pages later). It's the first time I can remember reading an entire book in one sitting (minus the few dozen pages I read in AC). I left my bedroom only to go to the bathroom and eat (I actually don't remember if I even ate that day, I was so engrossed). I read a lot, and I had never read a book that spoke to me on such a personal level. My Goodreads review that night said simply:
This book just changed my life.
It made me believe in love again. It made me believe in fighting again. It made me want to live.
I have absolutely no other words.
To this day, I've never written a proper review for it, because I don't have the words. It was in those hours of reading that book that I came to life. My perspective on so many things changed. My views on society changed. It reignited the spark in me that had long died. It made me want to live again, and fight again, and be who I knew I was meant to be. I texted Ben begging him to talk me out of heading to the bookstore and buying the rest of the trilogy (he didn't answer in time...thankfully, I lived around the corner from the bookstore and bought them before the day was over...). When I got home from buying the other two books, I messaged him on Facebook and asked him to do something he never in a million years expected. For reasons of privacy, I will not disclose what it was (get your mind out of the gutter folks, it's nothing like that). But, it made us closer. It was the one thing we spent most of our time fighting about. The one thing that I couldn't get past. The one thing that was keeping me from really giving myself to him completely, and I let it go that day. That was the day I decided not to live in fear anymore. That was the day I knew I needed to start pushing the boundaries and forcing myself out of my comfort zone. That was the day I started believing in love again, and knowing that it can be enough if it's done right.
Every time I have a customer come in the bookstore where I now work asking for a good book for someone who likes sci-fi or dystopian or something with a journey, I recommend this book. The usual reaction when I explain the plot is, "oh, it sounds like The Giver." No disrespect to The Giver (which is also one my favorite books of all time), but this one is better. Maybe it was a matter of timing. Maybe it had to do with the fact that it was exactly what I needed in my life at that particular time. I do believe that things effect us differently at different points in our lives. Maybe if I read it again today, it wouldn't pack the same punch. But, I know that book will forever hold a spot in my heart, for what it did for me.
Last year, I had the pleasure of meeting the author (and her editor, who gave my resume to her superiors!). She was in Princeton, NJ promoting her new book, Vanishing Girls, which I bought, but I brought Delirium along with me. When I reached her table for my autograph, I told her (a very condensed version of) my story. I told her that her book pulled me out of an 18-month depression. She asked me if I was "better now" and I told her that I was. We chit-chatted for a minute about grad school, and she signed my book and posed for pictures. Ben asked me the other day, if there was one book I would take with me in a fire, which would it be? That one.
Never underestimate the power of words.
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| "For Kim- I'm so happy to hear that this book helped you through a dark time in your life. Good luck with your grad program!" |
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| Thank you, Miss Oliver, for your words. |
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| Telling my story. |
Wow. Powerful stuff. I think you'll find the piece I discuss to have a similar... effect.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I am sneaky that way! ;)