I'm going to let you all in on a secret today. It's my deepest, darkest secret, and I've only said the words to two people in my entire life. Are you ready? Hold onto your hats. Here we go:
I like you.
Are you still upright? I'll give you a moment.
On a more serious note, though, for as long as I can remember, I've heard second hand that people think I don't like them. "How come Kim didn't come out? Doesn't she like us?" "So and so thinks you don't like him/her, because you didn't come out the last few times." I'm exhausted by defending myself. I have always felt like it's okay for everyone else to be who they are and do what they want, but it's not okay for me. Unless everyone else is faking it. But, I do like you. There are a million and one reasons why I might not hang out on any given day. If it's on a Friday night, it's probably because I just worked all week, and I want to spend some quiet time alone away from people. If it's on a Saturday night, it's probably because I have work the next morning and don't want to be out too late. Sometimes, it's because Ben likes background noise constantly at the apartment and I like when he goes out alone, so I can have some peace and quiet. Sometimes it's because I'm broke. Sometimes, it's because whatever you're planning on doing isn't something I enjoy, so I'd rather stay home than risk being miserable all night and everyone thinking I hate them...oh wait.
I have struggled my entire life to fit in somewhere. I believe I've blogged about this before. But, I always feel like I don't like the right things. I don't appreciate the same things as everyone else. I don't define fun the same way other people do. I'm some crazy freak of nature, because I actually enjoy my own company. I am an introvert to the very last bullet point. I'm a simple person, who likes simple things. Large crowds and group outings exhaust me. They make me tired. They make me cranky. They make me anxious. If you're going to be hanging out at your house, I'll be more inclined to go, depending on what the activities are. If you're planning on sitting around drinking, smoking pot, and talking about old stories from college, that's not going to be fun for me, because I don't enjoy any of those things. It's not personal. It's not about you. It's not about your friends, or your house, or your political views, or your religion, or anything else. It's simply because I'm trying to keep myself from a situation that makes me not a pleasant person. I feel like I can never win. If I go somewhere because I want people to think I don't hate them, then I often end up miserable, and the whole plan backfires anyway. If I don't go, because I'd rather hang out by myself and catch up on my show, or do some reading, then they think I don't like them anyway. At this point, I'm translating that to mean, "oh, Kim didn't come. That's fine, we don't like her anyway."
If you are someone who was able to click on this link directly, then I like you. And there is a 100% chance that I wish we hung out more. I don't even need fingers to count the number of people who I can count on in a pinch, because there aren't any (Ben not included). And that's probably my fault. I'm sure I've turned down so many invitations and blown off so many people that they don't see a point in inviting me out anymore. I get it. That doesn't mean it doesn't suck. That doesn't mean I don't still want to be asked. Sometimes I sit at home on a Friday night, miserable because I don't have anyone I can just call up and hang out with. There are times when I'd give just about anything to get out of this apartment. And a few years ago, I started drinking a little bit, because I didn't think I had a choice anymore. That's all anyone does. Like, that's it. And I find it super lame, and seriously frustrating. (I guess that "super lame" comment is probably another reason why I don't have too many friends). I eventually discovered that it's still not really for me. First of all, I don't like the taste of alcohol. Any alcohol. You can give me every drink you can think of and tell me that "you can't even taste the alcohol in it," and I promise you, I can. It's been tested time and time again. I can taste it. And I don't like it. I'm sorry. On the rare occasion that I've been able to choke down a few glasses for the sake of "socializing," I just haven't enjoyed myself. I don't like being drunk. I don't enjoy not being myself, not being aware, not being completely there. I suppose part of me can understand the draw of that, but it's not for me.
I'm simply too old at this point to pretend to like things that I don't, just for the sake of some social interaction. Game nights are an easy way around it, because everyone can drink themselves stupid while I still enjoy the board game aspect of the night. Those are the nights I like. I also like scrapbooking, and reading (duh), and going to thrift stores, and decorating, and baking...but I can't really do any of those things with other people. I'm sorry that most of my hobbies and interests don't involve other people. I'm sorry that I enjoy my own company. I'm sorry that you don't enjoy your own enough to be able to be alone. I'm sorry I don't enjoy the same things you do. I'm sorry I can't fake my feelings and pretend I'm having fun when I'm not. I'm sorry that I don't accept more social invitations (I've made it a New Year's resolution to do so). I'm sorry I am who I am.
Of course, obviously I'm not. I am who I am and I like who I am. I've been through an unbelievable amount of bull shit to get where I am. I've transformed so much of myself, and had to change my way of thinking on so many things. And after all of that, after everything I've been through, and after all the education I've gotten, and all the people I've met, I still am who I am. I'm still "the most not fun person" you've ever met. I'd be lying if I said that didn't make me sad. I don't want to be boring. I don't want to not be fun. I just want to be who I am and have that be okay with everyone, without my motives or my feelings being questioned.
Okay?
So, I like you. I love you. I wish we hung out more. And I miss you.
Huggses!
ReplyDeleteI understand completely!