I started a new job on Monday. And the road to get here has been ridiculous. I pretty much landed this one by accident. I received a listing for an entry level job at a trade publishing company. It wasn't even close to what I wanted, but it was a foot in the door, so I applied for it. They called me immediately and set up an interview. During this interview, they realize that the job wasn't really what I wanted. When they asked me why I applied for it, I told them I was hoping it would lead to an editorial position, since editing trade publications was my goal. At this point, the man conducting the interview said, "hang on a minute" and called in their editor-in-chief. He spoke to me briefly about what I was looking for and when he left, the original interview said, "you were so much more lively with him than you were with me. I think that's a good fit for you." I got called back for a second interview with the editor-in-chief. Later that same week, I was offered the job, and obviously accepted. My first day was Monday, the day after Thanksgiving break. Here's a run-down of the week so far, mostly so that I can remember how ridiculous/hilarious/rewarding it's been later:
Monday: I arrived fifteen minutes early for my first day and waited a little bit at the main entrance for my new boss to come retrieve me. Right away, he started showing me what my duties were and training me on them. There was a short break to speak with the woman who poses as the company's HR rep (they're a very small, family-owned company, so they don't have a full HR department). She laid out the benefits and time off, etc. She then said, "I heard you have a masters degree," which I confirmed. She said, "that's really great. I'm all about women. I mean, I'm not a feminist (yes you are), but I really support women strength." So, that was nice. She then took me on a tour of the building, which is small, and I returned to my training. During the training, my new boss and I took a few intermissions to make small talk. He's a nicotine and caffeine addict, which actually comforted me a little bit, because it shattered the illusion that people in higher positions have it all together. He clearly does not, and he openly admits it. He also asked me about my journey into the publishing industry. I told him it had been difficult and he said, "one of the reasons I hired you was because I could tell that you just really wanted someone to give you a chance. You were really looking for someone to just get you in the door." I said, "yeah, pretty much," and he responded, "well, now you're in," and proceeded to tell me about his journey, which was also long and frustrating. I was eventually introduced to everyone who was in the office that day, and the original HR lady came around to ask me if I had a boyfriend, because she "has a son for me." Sweet, but sorry to disappoint. Before leaving, I was cornered by one of the part-timers, who needed to tell me her "rules." Rule #1 was that if I walk into the bathroom and see her feet under the stall, I'm to immediately turn around and leave. She's "fine using public bathrooms," but doesn't like "sharing that business with co-workers." Her second rule was that if I'm sick, I need to stay at least two feet away from her desk. Okay, then. There's one in every crowd. I left my first day of work feeling optimistic and energized. It's been a very long time since I had a boss who I really thought valued me and wanted to see me succeed. I get that impression from this boss. He's smart as hell, incredibly approachable, and extremely nice.
Tuesday: Well, Tuesday I was sick as a dog. Ben and I were both home with a stomach bug. I felt it coming on Monday night and was hoping it wouldn't turn into anything. I didn't want to call out on my second day at a new job. But, alas, at roughly 3:30 a.m. I was laying on my bathroom floor, hugging the toilet. I emailed my new boss from the bathroom floor telling him what was going on and that I wasn't sure if I'd make it in, but that I'd update him later. A few hours later, when I was supposed to be at work, I emailed him again telling him I was going to sleep it off and that I might try to make it in by noon. I was determined not to miss the whole day. I had been trying to call, but kept getting a busy signal. Finally, around noon, I got a hold of him by phone. He said he received my emails and replied, but that their servers were down all morning and I probably didn't get them. He also said the phones weren't working. But, he thanked me for my call and said, "we've all been in awkward positions like this in our careers, so don't worry about it. If you feel much better, come in later, if not, we'll see you tomorrow." I barely got off the couch all day.
Wednesday: I arrived fifteen minutes late, because there was a road closure, which caused a ton of traffic. When I finally arrived, the first thing I said to my co-workers was, "well, this is shaping up to be one hell of a week." My boss laughed when I explained about the road closure and said, "don't worry about it. It's how you perform in the long run that really matters." After that, I was immediately asked by a dozen people if I was feeling better. I was. About 95%. If there's anything "good" about a stomach bug, it's that it generally only lasts 24 hours (although, now I'm terrified I got everyone there sick on Monday, since I didn't know I had it yet). We got back to training on the same things we were working on on Monday. He reiterated that he wanted me to really make this job my own, and that he could tell I was very bright. There's a bit of a learning curve for me, since everything is done on a Mac, and I have very little experience with that. So far, I've been training on my boss's computer. After lunch, we moved to my computer, which oddly is a PC. I ended up helping him, because he wasn't familiar with the operating system. It's the first time in my life I've actually felt smart enough for the job I'm doing, which is frustrating, because I think this is, by far, going to be the most difficult job I've ever had. Maybe I've just finally found my niche. There was also another brief intermission in which he explained to me that even though my job title is Web Editor, he really wants me to learn the print side of things as well, because "why not?" He said, "my goal is to have you know as much as I do." Well, boss, that's my goal too. :) The day ended with a ten-minute conversation about grammar and the rules that he thinks are ridiculous and annoying. I pointed out one of their style rules that I didn't like and he said, "well, keep it that way for now. I can't make a change like that right now, everyone will freak out." In previous jobs, when I pointed out a style rule that I didn't like, the answer has always been, "well, that's just how it is," or, "well, you'll have to get used to it." I felt heard this time, and it was nice. Also, as weird as this sounds, I love the fact that my new boss has a bit of a potty mouth. It's a refreshing change from the uptight corporate environments I'm used to. He's not faking it. He's not putting on airs, or pretending to be someone he's not. He puts his feelings out there. He's told me repeatedly that whether he agrees with the politics of a story or not, it gets printed without bias. Just the facts.
I think I might like it here.
Wednesday, November 30, 2016
Monday, November 21, 2016
Regrets
Last night, I went to my fourth and final wedding of the year. The groom was one of my dearest friends who I've known since middle school. I wish I could say that I was ecstatic during this wedding. I wish I could say that I was moved to tears of happiness for my friend. But instead, besides being exhausted by the number of weddings, I felt a little bit sad. See, this friend has his own group of close knit friends that I'm not a part of. That's not his fault. He's not intentionally excluding me. This group he's a part of does everything together. They do holidays together, they've been in each other's weddings, and they're "aunts" and "uncles" to each other's kids. This makes me sad because I don't have that. I've never had that. And at this stage of my life, I never will.
I watched them interact with each other last night, thinking "I'll never be someone's bridesmaid." I'll never be able to have the conversation: "We'll do Memorial Day this year, if you guys want to do 4th of July." I'll never have a "Friendsgiving." And I'll definitely never be someone's fake aunt. And this is my fault. When I was with my ex, I rarely went out with people, because I didn't get to see him that much and I didn't want to risk missing a second of time together. Because of that, people stopped calling. People stopped inviting me out. People stopped caring. Once we moved in together, I got back in touch with a couple people, but then we split up and I lost them again. And, obviously, I lost all of his friends that had become mine over the years.
Once I was single again, I made an effort to see people more. I started texting people more, and trying to make plans more. Graduate school introduced me to some really wonderful people who I adore. But, just about all of them live somewhere else. And the ones that were here have moved onto bigger and better things. I never felt close enough to any of them to pick up the phone and say, "hey, can I come visit?" I also never had the time off work to be able to do that. Once Ben and I got more comfortable with each other, I started alienating myself again. He's my best friend, and he's the person I want to spend the most time with. When I'm invited out (which is painfully rare), I accept when I can. But, the problem is that I never initiate. I've made attempts to start monthly ladies' nights, and Ben and I have game nights every once in a while, but those are always overwhelmingly Ben's friends. And that's not to say that they're not my friends too, but let's face it, they wouldn't be my friends if it wasn't for Ben. And if Ben and I part ways for whatever reason in the future, they're gone too. Just like before.
I don't have anyone I can text about my favorite show. I don't have anyone I can call and talk to about my accomplishments or vent about my struggles. I watched that group of friends last night and thought over and over again, "I want to be apart of that group so badly." And as more and more people post pictures of their "Friendsgiving" celebrations, I long to be a part of those groups too. I hear people talk about their monthly Sunday brunches, and yearly parties they have that everyone travels far and wide to attend, and I've never had that. I've always maintained that I have no regrets in life, but that's not true. I regret pushing so many good people away. I regret letting so many good friendships get lost in the shuffle. I regret not being a better friend to some, and being too good of a friend to others. I look back on my life and I can't recall a single story after high school that involves me and a group of friends having a good time together (unless you count my bachelorette party).
I don't know. I'm struggling now with posting this at all, because I realize it sounds like I'm throwing myself a big pity party. And I don't want people to reach out to me now because I sound desperate and lonely. But, I know that part of my problem with making friends is that I always feel like I'm bothering people. I always feel like my call is coming at a bad time, and they are somehow inconvenienced by my friendship. I didn't always feel like that. I used to have a super tight group of friends, but that was in middle school. And honestly, they are probably the ones that made me this way. We weren't the nicest to each other. And I often felt like I got the worst end of it, because I was the only one who didn't live in the same town as the rest of them. I was inconvenient. I was out of the way. How do people do it? How do people maintain friendships into adulthood? How do they find groups of people they have enough in common with that they keep it going for so many years?
I need more in my life than work, Ben, and my cat. That's the sad truth. But, like everything else, I don't even know where to start to get that.
I watched them interact with each other last night, thinking "I'll never be someone's bridesmaid." I'll never be able to have the conversation: "We'll do Memorial Day this year, if you guys want to do 4th of July." I'll never have a "Friendsgiving." And I'll definitely never be someone's fake aunt. And this is my fault. When I was with my ex, I rarely went out with people, because I didn't get to see him that much and I didn't want to risk missing a second of time together. Because of that, people stopped calling. People stopped inviting me out. People stopped caring. Once we moved in together, I got back in touch with a couple people, but then we split up and I lost them again. And, obviously, I lost all of his friends that had become mine over the years.
Once I was single again, I made an effort to see people more. I started texting people more, and trying to make plans more. Graduate school introduced me to some really wonderful people who I adore. But, just about all of them live somewhere else. And the ones that were here have moved onto bigger and better things. I never felt close enough to any of them to pick up the phone and say, "hey, can I come visit?" I also never had the time off work to be able to do that. Once Ben and I got more comfortable with each other, I started alienating myself again. He's my best friend, and he's the person I want to spend the most time with. When I'm invited out (which is painfully rare), I accept when I can. But, the problem is that I never initiate. I've made attempts to start monthly ladies' nights, and Ben and I have game nights every once in a while, but those are always overwhelmingly Ben's friends. And that's not to say that they're not my friends too, but let's face it, they wouldn't be my friends if it wasn't for Ben. And if Ben and I part ways for whatever reason in the future, they're gone too. Just like before.
I don't have anyone I can text about my favorite show. I don't have anyone I can call and talk to about my accomplishments or vent about my struggles. I watched that group of friends last night and thought over and over again, "I want to be apart of that group so badly." And as more and more people post pictures of their "Friendsgiving" celebrations, I long to be a part of those groups too. I hear people talk about their monthly Sunday brunches, and yearly parties they have that everyone travels far and wide to attend, and I've never had that. I've always maintained that I have no regrets in life, but that's not true. I regret pushing so many good people away. I regret letting so many good friendships get lost in the shuffle. I regret not being a better friend to some, and being too good of a friend to others. I look back on my life and I can't recall a single story after high school that involves me and a group of friends having a good time together (unless you count my bachelorette party).
I don't know. I'm struggling now with posting this at all, because I realize it sounds like I'm throwing myself a big pity party. And I don't want people to reach out to me now because I sound desperate and lonely. But, I know that part of my problem with making friends is that I always feel like I'm bothering people. I always feel like my call is coming at a bad time, and they are somehow inconvenienced by my friendship. I didn't always feel like that. I used to have a super tight group of friends, but that was in middle school. And honestly, they are probably the ones that made me this way. We weren't the nicest to each other. And I often felt like I got the worst end of it, because I was the only one who didn't live in the same town as the rest of them. I was inconvenient. I was out of the way. How do people do it? How do people maintain friendships into adulthood? How do they find groups of people they have enough in common with that they keep it going for so many years?
I need more in my life than work, Ben, and my cat. That's the sad truth. But, like everything else, I don't even know where to start to get that.
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
The United States of Intolerance
It's an appropriately dreary day in Southeastern Pennsylvania today, as we reel from the aftermath of this year's election. Like so many people that I have talked to today, I am disgusted. I'm sad. I'm scared. And I'm incredibly discouraged.
Let me start by saying that I am neither Republican nor Democrat. I am a registered Independent. Ben, my boyfriend, is staunchly Liberal. In fact, if it wasn't for him, I may not have ever registered. This was my first time voting. This year, it was an easy choice for me. Previous years it wasn't, because my views are so much in the middle. I understand why someone would oppose abortion, especially those who have lost a baby, or those who are unable to get pregnant. I understand those who don't want universal healthcare - you work hard for your money, and it doesn't seem fair that so much of it should have to go to others. I am able to separate my own feelings towards those issues from what is best for the overall population. In most cases, I don't support abortion, but I absolutely believe the option needs to be there. I believe that an abortion stops a beating heart and that it is life, and it is a baby, regardless of how far into the pregnancy it is. But, I also understand that in some cases, the mother's life is at risk, and that in some cases, that baby would be better off not being born. I get it. I see both sides of it. Hence my Independent registration. Sometimes, the Republicans make sense to me. And sometimes they sound like the dumbest, most uneducated fools on the planet. Same goes for Democrats. Neither party is innocent. And neither party is 100% right.
That all being said, Donald Trump is wrong for this country. I am shocked that he is going to be our new president. I am appalled that he has been elected to represent our people and what we stand for. And I'm angry that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote. No, it's not "cold comfort." It doesn't feel good that it was a "close race." There is no silver lining here. Hillary Clinton was elected by the people to be the next President of the United States. The Electoral College painted a different picture. However, the votes were so close that I'm disgusted. I found myself at work today, looking at everyone I saw and wondering which side of this they fell on. Fifty percent of voters voted for Donald Trump. One out of every two people who voted, voted for Donald Trump. They voted for the man who has publicly denounced an entire religion. They voted for a man who plans on shadowing Hitler with his plans to keep immigrants out of our country (immigrants, that I have no doubt these same people have hired, because they "work for cheap"). They voted for a man who thinks it is okay to "grab a woman by the pussy" and kiss her without permission. They voted for a man who thinks that members of the gay community do not deserve the same rights as the rest of us. They voted against common decency. They voted against humanity. And I now stop and wonder if each person I see is quietly racist, and misogynistic, and homophobic. I understand not supporting either candidate. I do. What I don't understand is this "lesser of two evils" nonsense. Hillary Clinton, during this election, was poised, and professional, and tried her best to stick to the issues. Donald Trump was the exact opposite. Clinton may have made some bad choices during her political career, but what politician hasn't? Trump hasn't made bad political decisions, because he hasn't made any political decisions. His business decisions, however, have been horrific.
The four women I work closely with at one of my jobs all have children of their own. I'm the sole childless woman in the room. Thankfully, all four of them were against Trump winning the election. Hearing the reactions from their children was so saddening. One commented that her five-year-old son took it really hard, and was concerned about the women of our country - his mother and his sister. She said she made an effort not to let her hatred for Trump rub off on him, because she didn't want that negativity in his life. But, the fact that a five-year-old already knew that speaks volumes. She's a better person than I, because I would have told my child exactly what I thought. Which is what another co-worker did. She told us that she took her children aside and assured them that Donald Trump was not "their"president. That he didn't speak for them. That he did not represent the values that they held. She wanted her children to know where they stood as a family. And another said that her nine-year-old daughter threw herself on the floor crying when she heard the news this morning. Of course, these kids are being influenced by their parents, there's no question there. But, for a five-year-old boy to know, and to understand, at that age, what this means for women, and to express concern...how do we justify that? How do we defend that? How does the rest of the world look at their children and tell them that they genuinely care about their future? Because millions of people have proven otherwise. There is not a single thing that Hillary Clinton did in her entire career that even compares to some of Trump's indiscretions. And he is supported at every turn. I don't generally jump on the gender bandwagon, or the race bandwagon, simply because I feel that a lot of it is media hype. That's not to say that I don't think it's a problem. It simply means that I think the media perpetuates the problems, and feeds us stories they want us to pay attention to. Much of the other side of things is not reported, or downplayed significantly. That being said, I do believe that if Hillary Clinton had been a man, she would have decimated Donald Trump.
So much of my family support him. So many of them have been cheering for him since the early days of the election process. Since before the primaries. And I've been repulsed by them ever since. I was able, somehow, to find it in myself to still love them, and to still be an active part of their life, but I don't know if I can this year. I don't know if I can stomach Thanksgiving and Christmas with people who clearly don't care much about my future, or about the future of my children. I cannot sit at a table and share a meal of thanks with people who stand against everything this country is about. I cannot celebrate a holiday that represents the very thing they voted against. This country was founded on immigrants. It was founded on religious freedom. That's why people come here. They come here for freedom. And we are now telling these people that there is nowhere safe for them to go. You can't practice your religion here. You can't love who you want here. You can't voice an opinion or walk against the crowd here. Conform or die. That's how it feels.
For those of us who are not white Christian males, it's now a terrifying place to live. Without the trifecta of privilege, we have no place in this country anymore. I am not thankful for the 50% who voted for Hillary. Because it's not enough. I do not find comfort in the fact that "half of the people" are still good. Half is not enough. Half is dismally less than it should be. This should not have been a close race. This should have been a landslide. My own state went to Donald Trump, and I find myself taking that harder than the overall election. The place I call home. The place I love. I feel betrayed. And I know that SO MANY of us are feeling the same way. And we need each other so much right now. Hatred may have won the election, but don't let it win our hearts. Be louder. Be stronger. Be better. We can all do better. We can all do more. I know I plan to.
Stay strong, my friends. And know that we are stronger together. I love you.
Let me start by saying that I am neither Republican nor Democrat. I am a registered Independent. Ben, my boyfriend, is staunchly Liberal. In fact, if it wasn't for him, I may not have ever registered. This was my first time voting. This year, it was an easy choice for me. Previous years it wasn't, because my views are so much in the middle. I understand why someone would oppose abortion, especially those who have lost a baby, or those who are unable to get pregnant. I understand those who don't want universal healthcare - you work hard for your money, and it doesn't seem fair that so much of it should have to go to others. I am able to separate my own feelings towards those issues from what is best for the overall population. In most cases, I don't support abortion, but I absolutely believe the option needs to be there. I believe that an abortion stops a beating heart and that it is life, and it is a baby, regardless of how far into the pregnancy it is. But, I also understand that in some cases, the mother's life is at risk, and that in some cases, that baby would be better off not being born. I get it. I see both sides of it. Hence my Independent registration. Sometimes, the Republicans make sense to me. And sometimes they sound like the dumbest, most uneducated fools on the planet. Same goes for Democrats. Neither party is innocent. And neither party is 100% right.
That all being said, Donald Trump is wrong for this country. I am shocked that he is going to be our new president. I am appalled that he has been elected to represent our people and what we stand for. And I'm angry that Hillary Clinton won the popular vote. No, it's not "cold comfort." It doesn't feel good that it was a "close race." There is no silver lining here. Hillary Clinton was elected by the people to be the next President of the United States. The Electoral College painted a different picture. However, the votes were so close that I'm disgusted. I found myself at work today, looking at everyone I saw and wondering which side of this they fell on. Fifty percent of voters voted for Donald Trump. One out of every two people who voted, voted for Donald Trump. They voted for the man who has publicly denounced an entire religion. They voted for a man who plans on shadowing Hitler with his plans to keep immigrants out of our country (immigrants, that I have no doubt these same people have hired, because they "work for cheap"). They voted for a man who thinks it is okay to "grab a woman by the pussy" and kiss her without permission. They voted for a man who thinks that members of the gay community do not deserve the same rights as the rest of us. They voted against common decency. They voted against humanity. And I now stop and wonder if each person I see is quietly racist, and misogynistic, and homophobic. I understand not supporting either candidate. I do. What I don't understand is this "lesser of two evils" nonsense. Hillary Clinton, during this election, was poised, and professional, and tried her best to stick to the issues. Donald Trump was the exact opposite. Clinton may have made some bad choices during her political career, but what politician hasn't? Trump hasn't made bad political decisions, because he hasn't made any political decisions. His business decisions, however, have been horrific.
The four women I work closely with at one of my jobs all have children of their own. I'm the sole childless woman in the room. Thankfully, all four of them were against Trump winning the election. Hearing the reactions from their children was so saddening. One commented that her five-year-old son took it really hard, and was concerned about the women of our country - his mother and his sister. She said she made an effort not to let her hatred for Trump rub off on him, because she didn't want that negativity in his life. But, the fact that a five-year-old already knew that speaks volumes. She's a better person than I, because I would have told my child exactly what I thought. Which is what another co-worker did. She told us that she took her children aside and assured them that Donald Trump was not "their"president. That he didn't speak for them. That he did not represent the values that they held. She wanted her children to know where they stood as a family. And another said that her nine-year-old daughter threw herself on the floor crying when she heard the news this morning. Of course, these kids are being influenced by their parents, there's no question there. But, for a five-year-old boy to know, and to understand, at that age, what this means for women, and to express concern...how do we justify that? How do we defend that? How does the rest of the world look at their children and tell them that they genuinely care about their future? Because millions of people have proven otherwise. There is not a single thing that Hillary Clinton did in her entire career that even compares to some of Trump's indiscretions. And he is supported at every turn. I don't generally jump on the gender bandwagon, or the race bandwagon, simply because I feel that a lot of it is media hype. That's not to say that I don't think it's a problem. It simply means that I think the media perpetuates the problems, and feeds us stories they want us to pay attention to. Much of the other side of things is not reported, or downplayed significantly. That being said, I do believe that if Hillary Clinton had been a man, she would have decimated Donald Trump.
So much of my family support him. So many of them have been cheering for him since the early days of the election process. Since before the primaries. And I've been repulsed by them ever since. I was able, somehow, to find it in myself to still love them, and to still be an active part of their life, but I don't know if I can this year. I don't know if I can stomach Thanksgiving and Christmas with people who clearly don't care much about my future, or about the future of my children. I cannot sit at a table and share a meal of thanks with people who stand against everything this country is about. I cannot celebrate a holiday that represents the very thing they voted against. This country was founded on immigrants. It was founded on religious freedom. That's why people come here. They come here for freedom. And we are now telling these people that there is nowhere safe for them to go. You can't practice your religion here. You can't love who you want here. You can't voice an opinion or walk against the crowd here. Conform or die. That's how it feels.
For those of us who are not white Christian males, it's now a terrifying place to live. Without the trifecta of privilege, we have no place in this country anymore. I am not thankful for the 50% who voted for Hillary. Because it's not enough. I do not find comfort in the fact that "half of the people" are still good. Half is not enough. Half is dismally less than it should be. This should not have been a close race. This should have been a landslide. My own state went to Donald Trump, and I find myself taking that harder than the overall election. The place I call home. The place I love. I feel betrayed. And I know that SO MANY of us are feeling the same way. And we need each other so much right now. Hatred may have won the election, but don't let it win our hearts. Be louder. Be stronger. Be better. We can all do better. We can all do more. I know I plan to.
Stay strong, my friends. And know that we are stronger together. I love you.
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