Regrets

Last night, I went to my fourth and final wedding of the year. The groom was one of my dearest friends who I've known since middle school. I wish I could say that I was ecstatic during this wedding. I wish I could say that I was moved to tears of happiness for my friend. But instead, besides being exhausted by the number of weddings, I felt a little bit sad. See, this friend has his own group of close knit friends that I'm not a part of. That's not his fault. He's not intentionally excluding me. This group he's a part of does everything together. They do holidays together, they've been in each other's weddings, and they're "aunts" and "uncles" to each other's kids. This makes me sad because I don't have that. I've never had that. And at this stage of my life, I never will.

I watched them interact with each other last night, thinking "I'll never be someone's bridesmaid." I'll never be able to have the conversation: "We'll do Memorial Day this year, if you guys want to do 4th of July." I'll never have a "Friendsgiving." And I'll definitely never be someone's fake aunt. And this is my fault. When I was with my ex, I rarely went out with people, because I didn't get to see him that much and I didn't want to risk missing a second of time together. Because of that, people stopped calling. People stopped inviting me out. People stopped caring. Once we moved in together, I got back in touch with a couple people, but then we split up and I lost them again. And, obviously, I lost all of his friends that had become mine over the years.

Once I was single again, I made an effort to see people more. I started texting people more, and trying to make plans more. Graduate school introduced me to some really wonderful people who I adore. But, just about all of them live somewhere else. And the ones that were here have moved onto bigger and better things. I never felt close enough to any of them to pick up the phone and say, "hey, can I come visit?" I also never had the time off work to be able to do that. Once Ben and I got more comfortable with each other, I started alienating myself again. He's my best friend, and he's the person I want to spend the most time with. When I'm invited out (which is painfully rare), I accept when I can. But, the problem is that I never initiate. I've made attempts to start monthly ladies' nights, and Ben and I have game nights every once in a while, but those are always overwhelmingly Ben's friends. And that's not to say that they're not my friends too, but let's face it, they wouldn't be my friends if it wasn't for Ben. And if Ben and I part ways for whatever reason in the future, they're gone too. Just like before.

I don't have anyone I can text about my favorite show. I don't have anyone I can call and talk to about my accomplishments or vent about my struggles. I watched that group of friends last night and thought over and over again, "I want to be apart of that group so badly." And as more and more people post pictures of their "Friendsgiving" celebrations, I long to be a part of those groups too. I hear people talk about their monthly Sunday brunches, and yearly parties they have that everyone travels far and wide to attend, and I've never had that. I've always maintained that I have no regrets in life, but that's not true. I regret pushing so many good people away. I regret letting so many good friendships get lost in the shuffle. I regret not being a better friend to some, and being too good of a friend to others. I look back on my life and I can't recall a single story after high school that involves me and a group of friends having a good time together (unless you count my bachelorette party).

I don't know. I'm struggling now with posting this at all, because I realize it sounds like I'm throwing myself a big pity party. And I don't want people to reach out to me now because I sound desperate and lonely. But, I know that part of my problem with making friends is that I always feel like I'm bothering people. I always feel like my call is coming at a bad time, and they are somehow inconvenienced by my friendship. I didn't always feel like that. I used to have a super tight group of friends, but that was in middle school. And honestly, they are probably the ones that made me this way. We weren't the nicest to each other. And I often felt like I got the worst end of it, because I was the only one who didn't live in the same town as the rest of them. I was inconvenient. I was out of the way. How do people do it? How do people maintain friendships into adulthood? How do they find groups of people they have enough in common with that they keep it going for so many years?

I need more in my life than work, Ben, and my cat. That's the sad truth. But, like everything else, I don't even know where to start to get that.