Living the Dream

Well! What a month it has been! Two entries ago, I wrote about a job I had just started that I loved. Since then, I've started a new new job. It's a long story, but for those who don't already know, I got offered what's essentially my dream job two weeks after starting at the other job. It's at the same publishing company I interned for in college, and I've basically been waiting since then (nine years!) for a full-time position to open. So, it finally did. And, after dwelling over the decision for four days (and longer, because I pretty much knew the offer was coming before I got it), I decided to leave the other job, and go for it. I was nervous about telling my super awesome boss the news, because he had expressed so many times how excited he was that I was there and how good he felt about the work we'd be doing together. I had also been able to confirm that while someone wasn't fired for me, the firing process was sped up so that I could work there. Needless to say, I felt like a lousy person. But, I knew it's what needed to be done. As expected, by boss, C, was incredibly understanding. I could tell that he was disappointed, but he said he was happy for me, and he understood that I was doing what I needed to do. I provided him with three resumes from friends I knew who would fit in well with the work and the culture. I pointed one out to him specifically who I thought would be the best fit of the three, and she was hired before the week was over. Everybody won.

Unfortunately, C was on vacation my last week, so we had to say our good-byes the previous week. Because of that, I sent him an email before I left on my last day, letting him know how much he and the job had meant to me. You can read it here (if you want):

C,

I know you asked me not to email you, but I didn’t want to leave without saying something. Hopefully it doesn’t get too lost in your inbox. J

First of all, I want to say thank you. Even though I wasn’t with CEG very long, it was the best job I ever had. I wish I could say that I’m 100% certain that going to Schiffer is the right choice, but I’m not, because I know co-workers like these ones are hard to find. I will miss our long talks about any and everything. It’s a rare occurrence to meet someone who’s so easy to talk to, and who has so much in common with you. So, thank you for that. By the time this job came around, I had sent out thousands of resumes over several years, and I had resigned myself to the idea that the publishing gig was never going to happen. I was seconds away from giving up. So, thank you for restoring my faith in myself and giving me an opportunity that I’ll never forget.

Last, I want to say that you’re not a sell-out (it’s been bothering me! Ha!). There’s a difference between growing up and selling out. You may not be feeding the hungry, but you’re changing the world with your open-mindedness, and your tolerance, and your compassion. I came into this job believing that I’d never have a boss who cared much about their employees. That’s just always been my experience. But, you changed my views on that. There was never a day when I didn’t want to come in here. You made me care about this job, even after I’d already given my notice, because you saw something in me that no one else ever had. You encouraged instead of criticized. You were endlessly patient and understanding with me, and I appreciate all of that more than you could ever know. You’ll change the world by being you and by raising your girls to be patient, tolerant, compassionate people as well, which the world needs more of.

So, once again, thank you for the experience, for the opportunity, and for the rewarding talks. I hope we can stay in touch, and please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you or the company in the future.

With respect and gratitude,

Kim

I wasn't entirely sure if I would hear back from him or not, and didn't really care if I did. I just wanted to let him know what was on my mind. As it was, a week went by before I heard anything at all. I won't post all of what he wrote, because it was long, and I don't have his permission, but I will leave this part here: You were a great addition to our department; you were professional, hard-working, enthusiastic and passionate about your work. That, Kim, is rare, and because that is what I believe, I have no doubt that you will be incredibly successful at Schiffer, or at any place where you are doing what you want to do.

I hope you have had a great week at your new job. I hope that this opportunity combines all that you liked about your time here at CEG with all that you want to do, need to do in your career. And even if it doesn’t, do not give up; keep looking and keep faith in yourself and others.

WHAT A FUCKING GUY!!! Jesus, if he was only twenty years younger and we were both single...

But, I digress. 

CEG was hard to leave, because I meant everything I said. C was the greatest boss I'd ever had, and the other employees were fantastic and funny and just good people. I miss them already. That being said, Schiffer is the Dream. Not The Dream, but the Dream. I was still recovering from a week-long bout of the flu on my first day, so I didn't get to truly enjoy the moment. I didn't get to immerse myself in the feeling and truly understand what it all meant. What did it mean, you ask? It means I made it. I did what I set out to do so long ago. I realized a dream. And there have been a lot of thoughts happening in this last week. 

One of my first thoughts was a bit of a said one: if R and I had still been together, we'd finally be comfortable. At the very least, the house would not have been foreclosed on after we split up, because I'd be able to afford it now. But, that's the thing. If R and I had still been together, I wouldn't be where I am. The only reason I got here is because we split up. Although, maybe that's not true. This opportunity surely would have still come up. But, would I have had the right experience to get the offer? Despite interning there before, I didn't really have the right experience, until I quit the dead-end job I'd had for six years and went back to grad school (not in that order). 

I'm still absorbing all that had to happen for me to get here. I look back to the girl I was twelve years ago, when I decided this was what I wanted to do. At nineteen, I was in college for TV production, and while I liked it, I was bored. I wasn't getting to do enough. So, after a semester of Business, I changed my major to English. This came about after reading a book that my uncle self-published, and being appalled at the editing - there essentially hadn't been any. That was the day I knew I wanted to be an editor. I had no idea how to get there, or what to do, but I knew it was going to happen. 

My undergrad education was disappointing, mostly because the school I went to didn't technically have an English track - it was a Literature track, which is very different. So, I didn't learn much about English - no grammar, editing, language, etc. But, I learned a lot about literature, and how to dissect it and find meaning where there wasn't any. I didn't enjoy college. Not until I took my internship at Schiffer. And I remember going into that internship feeling nervous that I'd hate it, because "there is no plan B." I had no second career choice. If I hated that internship, I was lost. I didn't know what else I was going to do with an English degree. That's the one truly terrible thing about knowing what you want to do with your life. It was either that or nothing. Failure was not an option, which made everything so much more terrifying.

That was in 2007 (in fact, my last day at Schiffer was my 22nd birthday). I graduated the end of that year, and like every young twenty-something, I was going to blow everyone away and become the best editor there ever was. Except, I still didn't know how the hell to get there. At that point in my life, R and I had been dating for five years, and I was pushing him hard to get married. He wasn't ready. I needed a job first. We needed a house first. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Within two years, I had both of those things. The luxury of the job wore off quickly, and I hated the house almost immediately. But, we were in it together, and I couldn't very well change my mind. So, I stuck it out. We got married in 2011, and I finally had everything I wanted. I thought. Still no editing job, but I thought I was on the right track to get one. I had never officially stopped searching for jobs, but I hadn't really been trying very hard, either. And somewhere in the middle of 2012, I got bored. I had started writing creatively again, and I wanted to take a class to get me back into it. I searched all of the local colleges for creative writing classes, but all I could find were MFAs, which I didn't want to do. It didn't make sense for me to have a master's degree in creative writing. I finally decided to check "one more school." A Facebook friend of mine had done her undergraduate there, and while I didn't know a thing about the school, I knew it was close. Again, they didn't have a creative writing class I could take for fun, but what they did have was a master's certificate in e-publishing. It was five classes, online, and it would be something extra to put on my resume, which was what I felt like I needed at that point. I could do that! And that was the plan, until I explored further and found the master's degree program in Publishing. So, that's how I ended up in grad school! 

Almost immediately upon going back to school, the bottom fell out of everything. Death, divorce, depression. 

Five years ago, I was newly married, working at a job I hated, struggling to pay the mortgage on a house I didn't like. But, in my mind, I was living the dream. That's what I had wanted. A house, a husband, stability. And in the blink of an eye, it all changed. Grad school forced me to re-evaluate what I had and what I wanted and where I was going, which was completely unexpected. I enjoyed every friggin' minute of those classes and I miss it every single day. Who would have thought?!

In any case, cut to the middle of 2015, where I'm still working at that miserable job, though I did manage to score a promotion. I was so desperate to get out that when I got an offer for a part-time job (making much more per hour, but much less per year), I jumped at it. By this point, I had survived living with my mother for a year, and living in the shittiest shithole apartment for another year. I had also gotten a cat, who essentially saved my life, and finally moved into a bigger place. I was nervous about the job change, not only because I'd be making less money, but because I'd be giving up health benefits. But, I also realized it was an opportunity to finally do things that would  help my career. To supplement the lost income, I got work at a bookstore, which I loved. And, then I started an internship at a publishing company in New York City, which ended up being a huge waste of time and money (and probably really wasn't necessary. I didn't get asked about it much on interviews). Ben was in the picture by now (and living with me), and while I did consider him in all of my decisions, I never let them hinder the ultimate goal, which is something I had never learned with R. I wasn't going to lose it again. I was finally on the right track, finally making the right decisions, and finally had someone by my side who was nurturing the dream.

I spent a year and a half working the two part-time jobs, doing some sporadic freelancing for pennies, and getting fired from a third job at a library, before I finally found something. And that was CEG, with the best boss in the world. And now, here I am, a week into the dream job at Schiffer. I almost gave up. There was a time last year when I almost gave up. I was thirty years old and still chasing a dream that I'd had since college. I started to feel like a loser, like a failure. It didn't feel like any of the choices I was making were getting me anywhere, and I wasn't getting any younger. I wanted stability again. I wanted a family. So, now, not only did I not have the job I wanted, but I didn't have one that I could survive on, either. It was an enormous risk, and I definitely regretted it some days (although I never missed the old job). I was more discouraged than I often let on. I still wanted that dream more than anything else in the world, but what if I was never able to find something full-time again? The amount of interviews, and second interviews, and third interviews I had gone on was ridiculous. And as disappointing as it was after every rejection, those interviews are what kept me going. Because someone was interested enough to talk to me. I just needed to show them now that I was the right person for the job. And C saw that in me, as you saw him mention above. He saw that passion in me that no one else was ever able to see. He saw a motivation in me that I was never able to convey to anyone else. He believed in me when no one else did. And while the Schiffer offer probably would have come along regardless (they have no idea I left a job after five weeks to come work for them), it still helped immensely at a time when I desperately needed it. 

I still can't believe I'm here. I can't believe that I get to read books, and edit them for a living. That I get to do something that matters. Something I love. That I get to bring that joy to people, and to know that the work I do is being recognized. But, not just that, that the work I do was earned. I look back to the broken shell of a person I was four years ago, and I can't believe I'm here. My lowest point. When every day was a struggle. When every morning seemed hopeless and pointless. To the days when I wondered if I'd be the first person to ever successfully drown themselves in the shower. Those days were dark. And they were scary. But, somewhere waaaaaaay deep inside, I found the strength to keep going, to keep fighting, to push through it all and refocus on the goal. Where would I be now if I'd given up? Probably not dead, because I don't think I ever really had the guts to kill myself, but it wouldn't be good, I know that. Probably still with my mom, working as a cashier at a bookstore (which is wonderful, but doesn't pay the bills...). But, I'm here. Writing this blog. Working this job. Living this dream. 

Everyone has a story. Everyone has their own struggle. And everyone doubts themselves sometimes. I did know I'd make it someday, though, if only because I had to know it, or I wouldn't have had anything to live for. Just don't give up, folks. If it feels like it's worth it, it is. If you're willing to fight for it, to cry for it, to risk everything for it, then fucking go for it. If I can do it, there is no doubt that anyone can. I will tell you the one thing I heard that helped me make a lot of those risky choices. I once heard an actor talk about her career and she said: "If it's something that scares me, then I know it's exactly the right thing to do." And I lived by that ever since then. Every decision I made scared the living shit out of me, but it was worth it, and it paid off. And here I am. 

LIFE IS GOOD!