So, I've already failed at my once a week promise. It's been nearly two since I wrote the last post. I've been busy as hell, though. Since I wrote the last post, I started a new, third job. I've had exactly one day off since then, and for that one, I had to have someone cover my shift just so I could get some sleep. I'm busy, and I'm tired, and I'm getting more and more frustrated as the days go on.
I hate being that person who always thinks their boss is out to get them, but yeah...I think my boss is out to get me. And it's the boss that matters. It's the boss at the job that pays the most. The job that's the "pay check" and not the job where I'm doing what I love. Lately, I feel like I can't do or say anything right. It's causing me to overthink everything I do, which results in me screwing up even more. I'm frustrated. And yeah, sad. I don't like being bad at my job. I don't like knowing that no matter what I do, and what I change, it's still not right. It's not what they're looking for. It's not how it's supposed to be. It does nothing for my self esteem and my self worth.
I had been feeling really depressed for a few weeks. I couldn't figure out what it was. I assumed my meds had stopped working, or it was because the weather was crappy and cold for too long this year. And then I worked a shift at the bookstore (a job I got because I wanted it, not because I needed it). Lately, I've been getting very few hours. Sometimes, only five or six a week, which does nothing to supplement my part-time income. It's what led me to seek out the third job. Anyway, after a few weeks of only working there once a week, I finally figured out that that's what was depressing me. Not being able to do that job. Not being able to get my hands on books, and to help people find the perfect one. Not getting to socialize with people who I have things in common with. Not being able to do what I love. It's the first time in my entire life that I have a job that I truly love. But, it doesn't pay me enough to do it full-time, which kills me.
The third job I got is at a library. So far, after one week, it's...not what I expected. The first day was very boring. When I told Ben that, his reaction was, "of course it's boring, it's a library. What did you expect?" Point taken, I guess. The second and third days were a little bit more active. I like it. I'm learning quickly, and again, I enjoy spending my days with people who have the same interests as I do. And I've already been told by a co-worker that I'm "smart," because I knew that the title of a book a customer was asking for was called something different. Because I know my field. And I'm damn good at it. And I'm good at it, because I love it.
That being said, I'm not sure the library job is going to last. The first tip-off was the children's story times that take place just about every day. We do story times at the bookstore, but they're not nearly as involved. There, we read a book (or two) and usually do a crafting activity and then we're done. In the three days I worked at the library, I observed three different story times, with three different people hosting them. During all three, I sat there thinking, "I can't do that." And I'm probably going to have to, because one of those people is leaving, which is who I was hired to replace. There's singing, and there's dancing, and there's toys and games, and the whole nine yards. I love kids. Adore them. But, that's not me. I'm not that person. I can't perform like that in front of that many people (on Friday, there were probably about 30, including parents). The second sign was when a particular patron came into the library. She walked in and I saw my co-workers glance at each other. A few seconds later, I was called into the back room. I was informed that this particular patron was schizophrenic. When she's on her meds, she's fine. When she's not, she can be "disruptive." They then proceeded to tell me that she can get in your face sometimes, and she's "very strong," so "don't be afraid to call the cops when you're here alone." Hold the phone. I'm going to be here alone? Is that legal? Why wasn't that mentioned in the interview? And what?! No no. I do not like this.
Look, I don't know what I'm doing. I have no idea. I'm just some kid with a dream. Except that I'm not anymore. A kid, that is. When I was 22 and fresh out of college, this whole chasing my dreams bit was cute, and fun. I enjoyed defying the odds, and telling people to "shove it" when they told me I wasn't good enough. I enjoyed proving myself and letting everyone know that I was going to find that dream job. No one could tell me otherwise. At 30, it's just sad. And exhausting. And frustrating. And infuriating. I feel old. I feel like those 22-year-olds are the ones getting the jobs I want now. Those kids with that same determination I had are the ones getting the jobs I should have gotten had I not stupidly chosen to get married and give it all up instead. It feels like it's too late. I just want one job. I just want to be comfortable, and I want some structure, and I want a job that doesn't make me want to blow my brains out every morning. I'm certain I'm not alone. I know that this generation has it hard. For us, that is too much to ask. Most of us can't do it alone. So many people my age (and older) are still living at home, because they can't afford not to. And I know that my chosen field doesn't pay a lot. It's not about the money. It never was for me. If it was, I'd have a nice cushy job at an insurance company, since they loved me there in college (I also told them I had no intention of staying there, because I had bigger dreams). I've said this before, and I'll say it again, even though it offended someone last time: I envy those who are happy with a paycheck. I envy those people who don't really have a big dream they're chasing. The ones who are just happy having a job that pays the bills. Not even happy - just content. Just "good enough." I want that. But, I know that I won't get that unless I'm working in the field I spent so much time and money studying. At what point do I decide that's not gonna happen, and just settle for the paycheck, so I can settle down and have a family? Because, I know I'll regret not having a family more than I'll regret not having that job.
Why can't the jobs I love pay me enough to survive? And how come the jobs that pay me (barely) enough make me miserable and depressed? Is this simply the reality of the world, or is it me?
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
Friday, April 8, 2016
Kim and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
Today sucked on toast. It sucked so badly that the one glimmer of good news was actually bad news.
Last night, Ben and I got in a stupid petty fight. I can't even explain what it was about, but I told him he was "the most annoying person I've ever lived with." So, yeah...I guess I deserved him not talking to me today. But, I did honestly think we'd sleep on it and be over it by this morning. He clearly had other plans. He didn't even say bye to me this morning when he left for work. :(
So, that had me in a funk all day. I told myself I wasn't going to let it bother me, and I was too old to still be crying over boys. I knew it would pass and by the time we both got home from work tonight, and we had a chance to talk about it, we'd be fine. The day got worse, though. I had a meeting with my boss at 11:30. This is something that happens every three weeks, to stay updated on my status, and touch base with each other. In a nutshell, I've been messing up. After nine months, I'm still getting looooong emails back from the editors telling me what I did wrong. One particular email this week was from my boss, and was followed up with a paragraph basically telling me that I can't still be making these mistakes. I didn't even respond to the email, because I didn't know what to say. I tend to attack when I feel threatened (as witnessed above in yesterday's fight with Ben). I figured it was safer not to answer. She called me out on it in our meeting. She wanted to know why I didn't answer. I told her the email bummed me out. I told her it made me feel singled out. I told her it made me feel like, even though I know these are mistakes that everyone on my teams is making, that I was the only one being reprimanded for it. In a nutshell, I'm pissed off. And I'm worried about my job. My boss is wonderful. She's responsive, and she's honest, and she always leaves the doors of communication open. But, that doesn't make me feel any better about sucking at my job.
I spent that entire meeting trying not to cry, which I do when I feel frustrated, or scared, or angry. I got back to my desk and messaged Ben, because I can't just leave shit alone. I told him next time he decided not to talk to me the day after a fight, he needs to sleep on the couch. I told him not to come with me tonight for the plans we'd made the night before, because I didn't need his "immaturity" and "pettiness." I told him again that he was annoying and that even the most patient person in the world would find living with him to be annoying. I'm a really nice girlfriend.
I left work feeling like complete garbage. But, still I told myself I wasn't going to cry. I was better than this. I deserved better than this. Better than this job. Better than this man. Better than all of it. It wasn't worth crying over, because it was up to me to fix it, and I was going to. So, I didn't cry.
I got home and checked the mail. There was a large envelope in there from a lawyer. I'm being sued for over $4,000 from my previous landlord. This has been an ongoing battle for nearly a year and I was in the final stretch, about to get the case thrown out, because they had never responded to my appeal. I sent them a ten-day notice. This time, they responded. And added their lawyer fees on top of the original amount. And made it known that if I continue to fight this, I will be charged $250 for every hour the lawyer spends on it. There was no point in even convincing myself I wouldn't cry anymore. I was done. Completely lost it. And in the midst of the biggest meltdown I've had in a few years, I got a phone call from an interview I had yesterday offering me the job. Another part-time one. A library assistant. I couldn't even be excited about it, because now it wasn't a job I applied for because I wanted to work in a library, it was a job I was going to need to pay for this damn legal battle. I called the woman back after my hysterics calmed down. We laid out my training schedule. Tomorrow is my only day off for the next ten days. I'm too exhausted to be exhausted.
I almost bailed on the plans I had tonight, because I just felt awful. But, I knew that the only thing worse than how I was feeling was letting myself stew in my own emotions by staying home crying all night. So, I went. And I had a really good time. I'm glad I went. I rarely get invited out with friends, because I'm also pretty good at pushing them away, so it was nice to be invited and to distract myself. They had seen my Facebook statuses saying how awful the day was and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I didn't. It was too much (this is a very watered-down version). I did eventually text Ben and tell him how I was feeling. I told him this was the worst I'd felt since the height of my depression two years ago. I told him I was sorry I made him feel bad the night before (understatement). I asked him if there was any chance he could not still be mad at me when we both got home, because I really, really needed him. He responded by telling me how much he loved me, and that if he didn't love me, the things I said wouldn't have hurt so much. He told me he would not be mad, but that didn't mean he wouldn't still be hurt. He said he'd give me a big hug when he came home. I hadn't even been able to tell him anything about the rest of my day. He was the one I needed. If I hadn't been fighting with him today, everything else would have been bearable.
Today was a bad day. I hate days like this. It's been a long time since I felt this low. I still have my days when I feel sorry for myself, but days like today are few and far between. Days when I completely give up, and tell myself that it's not worth it anymore...those are rare. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I can celebrate the good news about my newest job. Tomorrow, Ben and I can spend some quality time together and try to put this ugly fight behind us. Tomorrow, I'll enjoy my only day off in the next ten days. Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.
Last night, Ben and I got in a stupid petty fight. I can't even explain what it was about, but I told him he was "the most annoying person I've ever lived with." So, yeah...I guess I deserved him not talking to me today. But, I did honestly think we'd sleep on it and be over it by this morning. He clearly had other plans. He didn't even say bye to me this morning when he left for work. :(
So, that had me in a funk all day. I told myself I wasn't going to let it bother me, and I was too old to still be crying over boys. I knew it would pass and by the time we both got home from work tonight, and we had a chance to talk about it, we'd be fine. The day got worse, though. I had a meeting with my boss at 11:30. This is something that happens every three weeks, to stay updated on my status, and touch base with each other. In a nutshell, I've been messing up. After nine months, I'm still getting looooong emails back from the editors telling me what I did wrong. One particular email this week was from my boss, and was followed up with a paragraph basically telling me that I can't still be making these mistakes. I didn't even respond to the email, because I didn't know what to say. I tend to attack when I feel threatened (as witnessed above in yesterday's fight with Ben). I figured it was safer not to answer. She called me out on it in our meeting. She wanted to know why I didn't answer. I told her the email bummed me out. I told her it made me feel singled out. I told her it made me feel like, even though I know these are mistakes that everyone on my teams is making, that I was the only one being reprimanded for it. In a nutshell, I'm pissed off. And I'm worried about my job. My boss is wonderful. She's responsive, and she's honest, and she always leaves the doors of communication open. But, that doesn't make me feel any better about sucking at my job.
I spent that entire meeting trying not to cry, which I do when I feel frustrated, or scared, or angry. I got back to my desk and messaged Ben, because I can't just leave shit alone. I told him next time he decided not to talk to me the day after a fight, he needs to sleep on the couch. I told him not to come with me tonight for the plans we'd made the night before, because I didn't need his "immaturity" and "pettiness." I told him again that he was annoying and that even the most patient person in the world would find living with him to be annoying. I'm a really nice girlfriend.
I left work feeling like complete garbage. But, still I told myself I wasn't going to cry. I was better than this. I deserved better than this. Better than this job. Better than this man. Better than all of it. It wasn't worth crying over, because it was up to me to fix it, and I was going to. So, I didn't cry.
I got home and checked the mail. There was a large envelope in there from a lawyer. I'm being sued for over $4,000 from my previous landlord. This has been an ongoing battle for nearly a year and I was in the final stretch, about to get the case thrown out, because they had never responded to my appeal. I sent them a ten-day notice. This time, they responded. And added their lawyer fees on top of the original amount. And made it known that if I continue to fight this, I will be charged $250 for every hour the lawyer spends on it. There was no point in even convincing myself I wouldn't cry anymore. I was done. Completely lost it. And in the midst of the biggest meltdown I've had in a few years, I got a phone call from an interview I had yesterday offering me the job. Another part-time one. A library assistant. I couldn't even be excited about it, because now it wasn't a job I applied for because I wanted to work in a library, it was a job I was going to need to pay for this damn legal battle. I called the woman back after my hysterics calmed down. We laid out my training schedule. Tomorrow is my only day off for the next ten days. I'm too exhausted to be exhausted.
I almost bailed on the plans I had tonight, because I just felt awful. But, I knew that the only thing worse than how I was feeling was letting myself stew in my own emotions by staying home crying all night. So, I went. And I had a really good time. I'm glad I went. I rarely get invited out with friends, because I'm also pretty good at pushing them away, so it was nice to be invited and to distract myself. They had seen my Facebook statuses saying how awful the day was and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I didn't. It was too much (this is a very watered-down version). I did eventually text Ben and tell him how I was feeling. I told him this was the worst I'd felt since the height of my depression two years ago. I told him I was sorry I made him feel bad the night before (understatement). I asked him if there was any chance he could not still be mad at me when we both got home, because I really, really needed him. He responded by telling me how much he loved me, and that if he didn't love me, the things I said wouldn't have hurt so much. He told me he would not be mad, but that didn't mean he wouldn't still be hurt. He said he'd give me a big hug when he came home. I hadn't even been able to tell him anything about the rest of my day. He was the one I needed. If I hadn't been fighting with him today, everything else would have been bearable.
Today was a bad day. I hate days like this. It's been a long time since I felt this low. I still have my days when I feel sorry for myself, but days like today are few and far between. Days when I completely give up, and tell myself that it's not worth it anymore...those are rare. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I can celebrate the good news about my newest job. Tomorrow, Ben and I can spend some quality time together and try to put this ugly fight behind us. Tomorrow, I'll enjoy my only day off in the next ten days. Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Voices from the Future
I made the (purposeful) mistake of telling Sophie that I made a goal to write once a week. She's making me stick to it. So, her assignment for this week was to write a letter to myself to be opened on April 1, 2003, two months before my high school graduation. Yes, we're believing in time travel for this one. I've sat on this assignment for about a week now, thinking about what to say, trying to remember where I was in my life at that time. So, here goes.
Dear Kim 2003,
It's you from the future. 2016, to be exact. I won't go into where you are in your life right now, but I will tell you that it's not where you thought you'd be. It's not where you wanted to be. And if I know you (which I obviously do), you're sitting there thinking, "screw you, what do you know?" I have advice for you. Two words: expect more. Expect more from yourself. Expect more from your friends. Expect more from your school, and your relationship.
You've been with R for about 10 months now. Listen to me. You're miserable. You deserve better. The reason you're not where you thought you'd be at 30? Because of him. Don't give up your dreams for him. Don't. Pick the college you want, not the one that will keep you close to him. Accept the job offers that might tear you apart, because you deserve them, and you worked for them, and a better offer probably won't come (it never did). If you want to move to New York, because you think that will get you where you want to go in your career, do it. R won't follow, but you'll find someone else who will encourage you, and support you, and be there for you.
Take school more seriously. Yes, I said that. You said that. In the grand scheme of things, high school doesn't matter, but college does. Major in English. Don't waste your time with those other useless majors that you're considering. English is what you love. It's what you're good at (despite what your grades show). It's where your passion is. And it will lead you to opportunities that you never expected.
Believe in yourself. Have confidence in your accomplishments, in your work ethic, in your talent. But, don't be too stubborn. Sometimes, your mom is right (I know, I know, I'm sorry). If something doesn't feel right, it's not. If something seems too good to be true, go for it anyway - you've got nothing to lose. You know how you can't wait to grow up and have a house and a family? Yeah, slow down with that. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Take your time. Don't get tied down to one place, one choice, one way. You have a lot to offer and you're wasting it with self-doubt and silly teenage love.
Now I'll tell you the parts you want to hear. Yes, you do marry R. And you buy a house. But, it ends in divorce after a year and results in a foreclosure. Why? Because you discover that there's more. There's more to life. There's more to love.
Keep learning. Keep dreaming. Keep reaching. Imagine who you want to be, and where you want to be, and become that person. Use your connections where you can. Never be afraid to reach out. Never be afraid to ask for advice. There is an entire world that you know nothing about, and unless you stretch that safety bubble, you'll never see it. Spread your wings. Don't be afraid of taking on too much. Be afraid of not doing enough. I'd like to tell you you'll get where you want to go someday, but that's up to you. Take the time to learn about yourself, and maybe in thirteen years, I'll be writing a different letter.
Oh, and see a doctor. You've got undiagnosed depression and it's making everything I've said above nearly impossible to do. You'll thank me later. :)
Stay cool,
Kim 2016
Dear Kim 2003,
It's you from the future. 2016, to be exact. I won't go into where you are in your life right now, but I will tell you that it's not where you thought you'd be. It's not where you wanted to be. And if I know you (which I obviously do), you're sitting there thinking, "screw you, what do you know?" I have advice for you. Two words: expect more. Expect more from yourself. Expect more from your friends. Expect more from your school, and your relationship.
You've been with R for about 10 months now. Listen to me. You're miserable. You deserve better. The reason you're not where you thought you'd be at 30? Because of him. Don't give up your dreams for him. Don't. Pick the college you want, not the one that will keep you close to him. Accept the job offers that might tear you apart, because you deserve them, and you worked for them, and a better offer probably won't come (it never did). If you want to move to New York, because you think that will get you where you want to go in your career, do it. R won't follow, but you'll find someone else who will encourage you, and support you, and be there for you.
Take school more seriously. Yes, I said that. You said that. In the grand scheme of things, high school doesn't matter, but college does. Major in English. Don't waste your time with those other useless majors that you're considering. English is what you love. It's what you're good at (despite what your grades show). It's where your passion is. And it will lead you to opportunities that you never expected.
Believe in yourself. Have confidence in your accomplishments, in your work ethic, in your talent. But, don't be too stubborn. Sometimes, your mom is right (I know, I know, I'm sorry). If something doesn't feel right, it's not. If something seems too good to be true, go for it anyway - you've got nothing to lose. You know how you can't wait to grow up and have a house and a family? Yeah, slow down with that. It's not all it's cracked up to be. Take your time. Don't get tied down to one place, one choice, one way. You have a lot to offer and you're wasting it with self-doubt and silly teenage love.
Now I'll tell you the parts you want to hear. Yes, you do marry R. And you buy a house. But, it ends in divorce after a year and results in a foreclosure. Why? Because you discover that there's more. There's more to life. There's more to love.
Keep learning. Keep dreaming. Keep reaching. Imagine who you want to be, and where you want to be, and become that person. Use your connections where you can. Never be afraid to reach out. Never be afraid to ask for advice. There is an entire world that you know nothing about, and unless you stretch that safety bubble, you'll never see it. Spread your wings. Don't be afraid of taking on too much. Be afraid of not doing enough. I'd like to tell you you'll get where you want to go someday, but that's up to you. Take the time to learn about yourself, and maybe in thirteen years, I'll be writing a different letter.
Oh, and see a doctor. You've got undiagnosed depression and it's making everything I've said above nearly impossible to do. You'll thank me later. :)
Stay cool,
Kim 2016
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