Today sucked on toast. It sucked so badly that the one glimmer of good news was actually bad news.
Last night, Ben and I got in a stupid petty fight. I can't even explain what it was about, but I told him he was "the most annoying person I've ever lived with." So, yeah...I guess I deserved him not talking to me today. But, I did honestly think we'd sleep on it and be over it by this morning. He clearly had other plans. He didn't even say bye to me this morning when he left for work. :(
So, that had me in a funk all day. I told myself I wasn't going to let it bother me, and I was too old to still be crying over boys. I knew it would pass and by the time we both got home from work tonight, and we had a chance to talk about it, we'd be fine. The day got worse, though. I had a meeting with my boss at 11:30. This is something that happens every three weeks, to stay updated on my status, and touch base with each other. In a nutshell, I've been messing up. After nine months, I'm still getting looooong emails back from the editors telling me what I did wrong. One particular email this week was from my boss, and was followed up with a paragraph basically telling me that I can't still be making these mistakes. I didn't even respond to the email, because I didn't know what to say. I tend to attack when I feel threatened (as witnessed above in yesterday's fight with Ben). I figured it was safer not to answer. She called me out on it in our meeting. She wanted to know why I didn't answer. I told her the email bummed me out. I told her it made me feel singled out. I told her it made me feel like, even though I know these are mistakes that everyone on my teams is making, that I was the only one being reprimanded for it. In a nutshell, I'm pissed off. And I'm worried about my job. My boss is wonderful. She's responsive, and she's honest, and she always leaves the doors of communication open. But, that doesn't make me feel any better about sucking at my job.
I spent that entire meeting trying not to cry, which I do when I feel frustrated, or scared, or angry. I got back to my desk and messaged Ben, because I can't just leave shit alone. I told him next time he decided not to talk to me the day after a fight, he needs to sleep on the couch. I told him not to come with me tonight for the plans we'd made the night before, because I didn't need his "immaturity" and "pettiness." I told him again that he was annoying and that even the most patient person in the world would find living with him to be annoying. I'm a really nice girlfriend.
I left work feeling like complete garbage. But, still I told myself I wasn't going to cry. I was better than this. I deserved better than this. Better than this job. Better than this man. Better than all of it. It wasn't worth crying over, because it was up to me to fix it, and I was going to. So, I didn't cry.
I got home and checked the mail. There was a large envelope in there from a lawyer. I'm being sued for over $4,000 from my previous landlord. This has been an ongoing battle for nearly a year and I was in the final stretch, about to get the case thrown out, because they had never responded to my appeal. I sent them a ten-day notice. This time, they responded. And added their lawyer fees on top of the original amount. And made it known that if I continue to fight this, I will be charged $250 for every hour the lawyer spends on it. There was no point in even convincing myself I wouldn't cry anymore. I was done. Completely lost it. And in the midst of the biggest meltdown I've had in a few years, I got a phone call from an interview I had yesterday offering me the job. Another part-time one. A library assistant. I couldn't even be excited about it, because now it wasn't a job I applied for because I wanted to work in a library, it was a job I was going to need to pay for this damn legal battle. I called the woman back after my hysterics calmed down. We laid out my training schedule. Tomorrow is my only day off for the next ten days. I'm too exhausted to be exhausted.
I almost bailed on the plans I had tonight, because I just felt awful. But, I knew that the only thing worse than how I was feeling was letting myself stew in my own emotions by staying home crying all night. So, I went. And I had a really good time. I'm glad I went. I rarely get invited out with friends, because I'm also pretty good at pushing them away, so it was nice to be invited and to distract myself. They had seen my Facebook statuses saying how awful the day was and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I didn't. It was too much (this is a very watered-down version). I did eventually text Ben and tell him how I was feeling. I told him this was the worst I'd felt since the height of my depression two years ago. I told him I was sorry I made him feel bad the night before (understatement). I asked him if there was any chance he could not still be mad at me when we both got home, because I really, really needed him. He responded by telling me how much he loved me, and that if he didn't love me, the things I said wouldn't have hurt so much. He told me he would not be mad, but that didn't mean he wouldn't still be hurt. He said he'd give me a big hug when he came home. I hadn't even been able to tell him anything about the rest of my day. He was the one I needed. If I hadn't been fighting with him today, everything else would have been bearable.
Today was a bad day. I hate days like this. It's been a long time since I felt this low. I still have my days when I feel sorry for myself, but days like today are few and far between. Days when I completely give up, and tell myself that it's not worth it anymore...those are rare. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I can celebrate the good news about my newest job. Tomorrow, Ben and I can spend some quality time together and try to put this ugly fight behind us. Tomorrow, I'll enjoy my only day off in the next ten days. Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.
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